Back to the East Coast- ironing away!

I'm alone in the hotel room Eric and I are assigned for the 6 months we are in Virginia. I didn't realize how long 8 hours is and now I'm going to be alone, cooped up in this room for 8 hours every day for 6 months. I am bored silly. We got in on the 27th and he started classes on the 28. I had no coffee, no food, no nothing. It is a very small, or at least a very spread out city. There is nothing in walking distance and if there was it is very unsafe to walk around here. I'm not entirely sure on that, it's just a hunch I'd rather not try and prove either way. Eric is looking for a cheap beater car for me to wall around in while he's at work. I set up an appointment for a obgyn check up so I can get back on birth control. I ran out last month and want to get an IUD with no hormones so I need to have my check up get prescribed expensive as hell bc, then get a referral to a doc that will give me an IUD. Its a long process I think but at least its one foot in the right direction making this appointment. And its on Friday! I was so shocked they could get me in so soon. Great! Its about 3 miles away, so i will take a taxi I guess, have my appointment at 11, and cross another thing off of my list of things to do to act like a responsible adult. The next one after this appointment is get bc, get a doc for an IUD and get new contacts! My glasses script is right, but my contact prescript is wrong, I don't know how that is possible,but I will get new contacts and a new script for them, then I can set out to find a job. I just can't work with out contacts. And a car. Cant work with out a ride there every day, or a taxi cab would cost all the money I would be making. Not to mention there isn't much of opportunities out here for me. Eric recommended K mart, but i refuse. Call me stuck up, but I just won't put that as experience on an application in the future. I'm not that desperate to be rid of this boredom. After work yesterday Eric and the two guys we are sharing the company car with finally found a walmart after driving in circles and loops and this way and that way, (tomtom really let us down there). Now at least we have milk and coffee, cereal and brownies. There are no gyms any where around here. And like I said it isn't really safe enough to just throw on the old tennis shoes and run a couple laps around the block. So at this rate I may plumpen up quite a bit while we're here. Not what I had planned, actually I had promised Eric to start getting in shape as soon as we got outhere, with all my free time and what not. Looks like that plan is going to need some ironing out. Anyways, I've been writing a little bit with my free time. I pumped out a difficult one page today on a plot I came up with about 6 months ago. Its going to be a slow one. And it always is a shitty first draft so I won't waste mine oryour time posting that today. That too, needs some ironing. And that is all for right now.

english assignment from last year

descriptive english assignments
10/11/07

At noon the door to the master bedroom clangs obnoxiously against the charm dangling disheveled on the door knob and Jessica strolls leisurely out with an heir of a wise twenty five year old goddess coming to inspect the labor of her devoted followers. I simply observer her and wonder what she will find that she dislikes, or if she just wants to talk to hear her words form little soldiers marching off to war. Her bleached hair that hangs midway down her back is stringy from the sweat of sleep, and her face, with the most shockingly beautiful features, are deceived by her short plump legs reaching desperately for the ground, meeting each other rubbing together at mid thigh. Barely covering her rounding body is a strained maroon velvet nighty, probably expensive and flattering in her teenage years. Untouched by the reality of her expanding self, her startling green eyes sit sharply on high opinionated cheek bones and fashionably hollow cheeks. This is probably the reason she doesn’t know her self image for what it is; when her face can stay so tightly plastered to her hawk shaped skull it seems impossible that the rest of her body could go on expanding with out the consent of her head. Like a hawk her eyes are all knowing and searching for anything possible of deceit. Swinging her small hands purposefully her stride believes she is being watched and judged by everyone and she truly believes she has something to prove to them, those she rules over in her own small kingdom of a two bedroom apartment with limited windows and a stained brown carpet.


10/14/07

By turning to the side and tilting her head she hopes to look somewhat younger and above the drama of this scene she goes to such extremes to fit into, but when people see her they know her kind. Her eyes touch nothing because while she is turned away she sees everything that goes on around her through her ears and nothing is sacred. She poses her body straighter on her bar stool and touches the man sitting next to her at the bar gently on the arm and asks casually for a cigarette. He grins, mistaking her for a cheap prostitute and begins to follow her, but resigns when she is tailed by two friends close in tow. Her head grazes the crowd, daring anyone to hold her eye contact, and she floats like a bloated bubble to the door with her cigarette dangling elegantly between her slender index and middle finger. Holding the heavy metal door the tired bouncer nods towards her and she bares her teeth in her sweet, almost genuine smile. He knows her because everyone here knows her, but he is as scared of her as she must be of herself.

10/16/07

I’ve seen it before. A little girl in a big house. A small child in an old body. She wears life like a fluffy robe. Too big. Too white. Too heavy. Weighed down she wears responsibility, elegance, power and knowledge. She wears it in an upstairs attic out of an old trunk trying it on for size. This is not her robe and these things she does not own. Responsibility she does not possess. Beauty and power are all in her head. No one is fooled. We are not blind to these excuses. Tighter she ties the robe around her self and her mirror image says, “Someday this will be becoming on you.” These pretend clothes in your pretend life. Your pretend blonde hair. Your pretend self. It’s recognizable. I see you as a girl. You are wishing you had control. Fighting to convince the world. Struggling to convince yourself. What if none of you is real? You are still a whisper of a human pretending to be queen.

10/20/07

At the corner of Nahua and Kuhio stands the one man she says she ever loved and he barely acknowledges her as he waits patiently for the light to change and the walk signal to call him to the safety of the other side. Jessica eyes him and in her most mature manner she waves a modest hello with her head held so high she looks like she might be trying to swallow the excess weight she put on since she last saw him, but he knows she is alone and her friends don’t want to be with her now, yet still she looks for them across the street like they will magically appear and make her seems so important to this man who never cared so much about her to even sign the divorce papers for fear of losing his green card. This lack of caring infuriates her but should she ever let it show she would lose her game, a loss that would ruin her for she knows she plays this game she refuses to admit to better than anyone else and if anyone ever beats her at it they better watch themselves because even though Jessica says she loves and forgives she never forgets, and rarely does she ever love and forgive. If caring is one thing this world needs she would be so out of luck. Love is just a word I think people who surround her like to play with, and even though she knows this she insists that she understands and she can play along with out getting caught up, and then she dives head first into this churning river of her psychopathic mind games she is the first to get swept away.

so many thoughts so little action

When I think about all the things I haven't done, most of them are socially. When I have a day off I can't think of one person besides eric who will return my calls and want to hang out. I am busy with my new job, and i'm leaving hooters officially now that I put my 2 weeks in on saturday but can't make it to work on friday I assume they'll just can me then. I'm so over it, and i am trying to be positive about my time spent there but really, I'v been there for over a year, actually 15 months, and girls who have been there 3 months get treated with more respect than I do. I just don't fit in and I never will and never did. I made nice with some of the girls but never any lasting friendships n that is hard on me because I feel bad whe people don't like me, and a lot of girls there didn't for no reason at all. the girls I did make friends with soon became better friends with girls who had pull and realized being my friend wouldn't get them anywhere, so slowly and surely they abandoned that ship. That really hurts. A lot more than not being liked is not being worth liked or disliked. when I ask a question and people just look at me and know I asked but don't bother saying anything. It shouldn't be like that, and as muchn as I try to over look the fact that I spent 15 months of my life giving up a social life for a work life, I didn't make it any further than I would have if I had taken up a normal job, except I might have gotte a little more respect from a normal job. I probably won't keep in contact wth a single girl I met at hooters. That is like my highschool all over again. I try really hard to fit in and in the end i walk away with out a single positive thing and plenty of negative reinforcements. More insecurities and less friendships. I'm ready to be out of there. That is sad and weighing on my mind a lot. As is my lack of true friends here. I've been here a long time, 2 years, and have... 3 friends here? sarah kristie and eric. I'm trying to make new frieds with the girls at 939 but its difficult and i feel inadequate and shy. I feel like if they got to know me they might like me but really i'm just a nerd and i don't have much to offer in a friendship as far as fun is concerned. I feel safer spending time with eric and I wonder where I would be now if I hadn't met him, now that my social life is virtually nill. I am planning to go to virginia with him in february. I will probably only go for like 3 months and give him a month in the beginning and a month at the end and make some extra cash for a place for us to stay while he is gone. Its a strssful decision I've gotten a lot of flack on from both sides and is stressing me out hard core besides totally throwing my original plans through a loop, it is something that is going to upset someone on the other side either way. people here are saying well its only 5 months you hsouldnt just up and move what if it doesnt work out rah rah rah, and he is saying that if i don't it will be really bad for the relationship rah rah rah, and both sides are right, and i just wish everyone would shut up about their opinions on what i should do and let me make my decision on my own, and accept it.

As for school, its going to be a set back but I know I will finish school and do what I want to do even if I don't take the most direct route. I know I can come back and get back into school and one semester off won't ruin my plans like people seem to think I am incapable of continuing my education unless I am constantly pushed through the process. thank you all yee of little faith. I think I've proven myself much more than adequately capeable to make it on my own the unconventional way. I'm doing well in this class and I know its a waste of 3 G when I could have just been taking a regular amount of classes for the same price but at least i paid for this semester and if it was a waste while I thought i would try to gain residency i wasted only my own money and time. now, i've wasted enough of my time venting and i'm going to go back to studying before eric gets outa work

as someone who quite possibly was famous could have once said...

its halloween! and we shall celebrate indeed!!

except for me who will be at work at 939. it could go either way and be packed or totally dead. I"m dressed up as a school girl same as last year and still boring.

MUSLIMS for McCain fight racism at political rally

CHECK THIS OUT

MUSLIMS FOR MCCAIN REJECT PROTESTORS
aol video

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1417423198/bctid1866657225

go to this video. its good stuff it brings up a very valid point- are we so worried about the word islam and muslims that just mentioning it brings a ngative reaction? Good video regarding McCain, Muslims, and the ignorance of racism.

Its just one way of taking 2 steps at one time

I picked up another job which I think will be really good for me, after a disasterous attempt at the shack! It was so awful working there, such a waste of my time!! I got a job at 939, its a strip club but its Honolulu's premier strip club. I'm not on payroll so I just make the 5$ an hour that is paid out in cash at the end of the night, thats like getting a tip out- 35$ a night on top of what ever tips I make, thats more than my 7$ an hour at hooters especially after they take out taxes!! I only have worked there once so far, last Friday. Eric really got me the job even after I made such a fuss about not needing him to get a job in HI because I can do it on my own rah rah rah. His good friend Kwon is friends with the owner and he is really the one who got me the job. I'm not bitter at all about needing the assistance, not like I thought I would be. I am just happy I got this job I think. Because I'm not on payroll I have to stay at hooters and be on their payroll so I can gain residency. Eric is friends with some of the dancers and cocktail waitresses which bothered me at first, but helped me out in the end. We went in and took a look around and he introduced me to Nina. She was the one who really took me under her wing and helped me out when I started on Friday. For my first night I made 115, tipped out about 15, we owe the bar 15% of our tips at the end of the night, then got 36 for hourly. I think for a first night that wasn't too bad. The dancers are pretty amazing there, they are fun to watch and are rreally good at what they do. Sarah would have a circus there, she is really interested in the pole dancing thing, (not for money just for fun). Most of the other girls were super nice, 2 that started with me were new too so they were automatically nice. Alicia is a Coors Light girl, she basically runs that and I told her about sarah applying there, and she knew who I was talking about!! Talk about a small world!! Once I turn 21 she says they would be excited to hire me especially with cocktail waitressing experience! Oh and I can't pick up extra shifts at 939 until I'm 21 either, so on top of a little extra freedom, there are some other things to look forward to as well. At 939 I can do what I want as I please and if you don't want to approach someone abuot buying drinks you don't have to because its a free for all. You can do as much or as little work as you want really, it was great for a beginner. I'm working tonight too- it will be slow but maybe I can practice sitting down with tables and getting them to buy me drinks. Thats someting I'm not used to working in restuarants, this could be fun!!! I have to work on my smoothness- compared to the other girls I'm pretty formal. But over all I'm sure I could be good at this and make good money here. Next week si going to be a zoo- hooters finally gave me the 5 shifts I have been begging for for th elast month and a half, but now I don't need it because of the second job. Its a lot of work. I'm working

Monday: Hooters 5-11
Tuesday: 939 7-2
Wednesday: Hooters 5-11
Thursday: 939 7-2
Friday: Hooters 5-12
Saturday: Hooters 5-12
Sunday: Hooters 3-11

Not to mention my next big exam for anatomy and physiology is on th 17, a wednesday I think? and another 1000 for tuition is due on the 16. Busy month for me.

As for the boy, he is still working sales but is getting ready to transfer to a job at the navy shipyard at the end of this month. He is excited about that but dissapointed he isn't starting sooner- with bills to pay and all and the car sales business going downt the tubes I understand he's stressing. We got a parking stall in Waikiki for 145 /mo a little steep but it helps SO FREAKIN MUCH we aren't waking up in a frenzy realizing its monday or friday and we parked on the ala wai and there goes 160 just in parking fees- that happened twice last month. If you look at it that way we're actually saving money!

I think this is my last tuition payment for this semester, adn I sent in my KCC app so next semester I'll be going there and taking my one class and a lab over there. Its closer to my home, its cheaper, and once I get in there, if I stay and get into the nursing program it is even better than the UH Manoa program. One step at a time though- It will at least save me 2000 in the short run compared to the UH manoa outta state tuition per credit hour.

I have a lab exam in umm... one hour. I should go up to campus and dig out there for a few, study just a little bit more. Then its home and getting ready for work at 939 tonight. :) wish me luck, its gonna be slow.

SOS

I was going so strong, I was doing so well and I thought wow I am okay, I am going to be okay. I haven't talked to eric for 2 whole days, and I'm in class and I'm talking to people and its okay. But I'm not really okay, I'm stressed and my chest feels tight and my heart is racing, my whole body feels sad. I can't work because I can't get enough shifts, and no one is giving up shifts right now because everyone is in a crunch to pay rent, and I'm so far behind after working at the shack all last month and losing money and being stressed about balancing job schedules- now I'm 300 behind on rent which was due today, 80 for a phone bill due on the 5th, 80 for utilities due today with rent which isn't here, and I have HAVE to have 1000 in my bank account by the 16 because UH takes it out automatically for tuition, which doesn't look possible in 2 weeks, working 2 days a week at hooters. I am all alone, I don't know who to go to to talk about it because I feel like I just want to be so strong, and I had so much hope for eric that I feel so foolish its over. I can't talk to anyone about that really, and I don't know what to do for money being this far behin and not being able to get more shifts. I'm seriously freaking out at this point in the middle of class and I'm not listening to anything the teacher is saying I'm totally zoned out and having a complete anxiety attack. This really sucked. After class I called mom. I had written to her earlier today to tell her money was a little tight but everything was okay, and i got the insurance card. but it wasn't okay and I was on my own and sinking and there was nothing I could do about it. I was so upset but she was really understanding and caring. She told me how proud of me she is and asking for help isn't failing, and she would put money in the bank for this month and if I want I can pay it back. That was a huge weight off my shoulders. huge. She put a lot in too. Just incase I can't make tuition, she put in 1500, but I only need a couple hundred right now for rent. I might have to dip into it when tuition bill comes around because it seems so unlikely that i'll make it own my own with work troubles being what they are the economy is dead and we're feelin it.

As for eric, well I don't really know. Its tought, but it'll even out eventually somehow. I'll be okay no matter what happens and I can do it on my own, I have been up to now, and so far it doesn't seem like having him around has gotten me very far ahead now does it?

I have a lab report due tomorrow, a rewrite of the one last week,
gotta call the liquor comission to get times and dates for liquor card testing
send in the KCC application so I can go there next semester- taking microbiology and lab there for my one class and lab. It will save me a lot of money.

i guess eric is on the way to come get his stuff. gotta go xoxo