english assignment from last year

descriptive english assignments
10/11/07

At noon the door to the master bedroom clangs obnoxiously against the charm dangling disheveled on the door knob and Jessica strolls leisurely out with an heir of a wise twenty five year old goddess coming to inspect the labor of her devoted followers. I simply observer her and wonder what she will find that she dislikes, or if she just wants to talk to hear her words form little soldiers marching off to war. Her bleached hair that hangs midway down her back is stringy from the sweat of sleep, and her face, with the most shockingly beautiful features, are deceived by her short plump legs reaching desperately for the ground, meeting each other rubbing together at mid thigh. Barely covering her rounding body is a strained maroon velvet nighty, probably expensive and flattering in her teenage years. Untouched by the reality of her expanding self, her startling green eyes sit sharply on high opinionated cheek bones and fashionably hollow cheeks. This is probably the reason she doesn’t know her self image for what it is; when her face can stay so tightly plastered to her hawk shaped skull it seems impossible that the rest of her body could go on expanding with out the consent of her head. Like a hawk her eyes are all knowing and searching for anything possible of deceit. Swinging her small hands purposefully her stride believes she is being watched and judged by everyone and she truly believes she has something to prove to them, those she rules over in her own small kingdom of a two bedroom apartment with limited windows and a stained brown carpet.


10/14/07

By turning to the side and tilting her head she hopes to look somewhat younger and above the drama of this scene she goes to such extremes to fit into, but when people see her they know her kind. Her eyes touch nothing because while she is turned away she sees everything that goes on around her through her ears and nothing is sacred. She poses her body straighter on her bar stool and touches the man sitting next to her at the bar gently on the arm and asks casually for a cigarette. He grins, mistaking her for a cheap prostitute and begins to follow her, but resigns when she is tailed by two friends close in tow. Her head grazes the crowd, daring anyone to hold her eye contact, and she floats like a bloated bubble to the door with her cigarette dangling elegantly between her slender index and middle finger. Holding the heavy metal door the tired bouncer nods towards her and she bares her teeth in her sweet, almost genuine smile. He knows her because everyone here knows her, but he is as scared of her as she must be of herself.

10/16/07

I’ve seen it before. A little girl in a big house. A small child in an old body. She wears life like a fluffy robe. Too big. Too white. Too heavy. Weighed down she wears responsibility, elegance, power and knowledge. She wears it in an upstairs attic out of an old trunk trying it on for size. This is not her robe and these things she does not own. Responsibility she does not possess. Beauty and power are all in her head. No one is fooled. We are not blind to these excuses. Tighter she ties the robe around her self and her mirror image says, “Someday this will be becoming on you.” These pretend clothes in your pretend life. Your pretend blonde hair. Your pretend self. It’s recognizable. I see you as a girl. You are wishing you had control. Fighting to convince the world. Struggling to convince yourself. What if none of you is real? You are still a whisper of a human pretending to be queen.

10/20/07

At the corner of Nahua and Kuhio stands the one man she says she ever loved and he barely acknowledges her as he waits patiently for the light to change and the walk signal to call him to the safety of the other side. Jessica eyes him and in her most mature manner she waves a modest hello with her head held so high she looks like she might be trying to swallow the excess weight she put on since she last saw him, but he knows she is alone and her friends don’t want to be with her now, yet still she looks for them across the street like they will magically appear and make her seems so important to this man who never cared so much about her to even sign the divorce papers for fear of losing his green card. This lack of caring infuriates her but should she ever let it show she would lose her game, a loss that would ruin her for she knows she plays this game she refuses to admit to better than anyone else and if anyone ever beats her at it they better watch themselves because even though Jessica says she loves and forgives she never forgets, and rarely does she ever love and forgive. If caring is one thing this world needs she would be so out of luck. Love is just a word I think people who surround her like to play with, and even though she knows this she insists that she understands and she can play along with out getting caught up, and then she dives head first into this churning river of her psychopathic mind games she is the first to get swept away.

so many thoughts so little action

When I think about all the things I haven't done, most of them are socially. When I have a day off I can't think of one person besides eric who will return my calls and want to hang out. I am busy with my new job, and i'm leaving hooters officially now that I put my 2 weeks in on saturday but can't make it to work on friday I assume they'll just can me then. I'm so over it, and i am trying to be positive about my time spent there but really, I'v been there for over a year, actually 15 months, and girls who have been there 3 months get treated with more respect than I do. I just don't fit in and I never will and never did. I made nice with some of the girls but never any lasting friendships n that is hard on me because I feel bad whe people don't like me, and a lot of girls there didn't for no reason at all. the girls I did make friends with soon became better friends with girls who had pull and realized being my friend wouldn't get them anywhere, so slowly and surely they abandoned that ship. That really hurts. A lot more than not being liked is not being worth liked or disliked. when I ask a question and people just look at me and know I asked but don't bother saying anything. It shouldn't be like that, and as muchn as I try to over look the fact that I spent 15 months of my life giving up a social life for a work life, I didn't make it any further than I would have if I had taken up a normal job, except I might have gotte a little more respect from a normal job. I probably won't keep in contact wth a single girl I met at hooters. That is like my highschool all over again. I try really hard to fit in and in the end i walk away with out a single positive thing and plenty of negative reinforcements. More insecurities and less friendships. I'm ready to be out of there. That is sad and weighing on my mind a lot. As is my lack of true friends here. I've been here a long time, 2 years, and have... 3 friends here? sarah kristie and eric. I'm trying to make new frieds with the girls at 939 but its difficult and i feel inadequate and shy. I feel like if they got to know me they might like me but really i'm just a nerd and i don't have much to offer in a friendship as far as fun is concerned. I feel safer spending time with eric and I wonder where I would be now if I hadn't met him, now that my social life is virtually nill. I am planning to go to virginia with him in february. I will probably only go for like 3 months and give him a month in the beginning and a month at the end and make some extra cash for a place for us to stay while he is gone. Its a strssful decision I've gotten a lot of flack on from both sides and is stressing me out hard core besides totally throwing my original plans through a loop, it is something that is going to upset someone on the other side either way. people here are saying well its only 5 months you hsouldnt just up and move what if it doesnt work out rah rah rah, and he is saying that if i don't it will be really bad for the relationship rah rah rah, and both sides are right, and i just wish everyone would shut up about their opinions on what i should do and let me make my decision on my own, and accept it.

As for school, its going to be a set back but I know I will finish school and do what I want to do even if I don't take the most direct route. I know I can come back and get back into school and one semester off won't ruin my plans like people seem to think I am incapable of continuing my education unless I am constantly pushed through the process. thank you all yee of little faith. I think I've proven myself much more than adequately capeable to make it on my own the unconventional way. I'm doing well in this class and I know its a waste of 3 G when I could have just been taking a regular amount of classes for the same price but at least i paid for this semester and if it was a waste while I thought i would try to gain residency i wasted only my own money and time. now, i've wasted enough of my time venting and i'm going to go back to studying before eric gets outa work

as someone who quite possibly was famous could have once said...

its halloween! and we shall celebrate indeed!!

except for me who will be at work at 939. it could go either way and be packed or totally dead. I"m dressed up as a school girl same as last year and still boring.

MUSLIMS for McCain fight racism at political rally

CHECK THIS OUT

MUSLIMS FOR MCCAIN REJECT PROTESTORS
aol video

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1417423198/bctid1866657225

go to this video. its good stuff it brings up a very valid point- are we so worried about the word islam and muslims that just mentioning it brings a ngative reaction? Good video regarding McCain, Muslims, and the ignorance of racism.

Its just one way of taking 2 steps at one time

I picked up another job which I think will be really good for me, after a disasterous attempt at the shack! It was so awful working there, such a waste of my time!! I got a job at 939, its a strip club but its Honolulu's premier strip club. I'm not on payroll so I just make the 5$ an hour that is paid out in cash at the end of the night, thats like getting a tip out- 35$ a night on top of what ever tips I make, thats more than my 7$ an hour at hooters especially after they take out taxes!! I only have worked there once so far, last Friday. Eric really got me the job even after I made such a fuss about not needing him to get a job in HI because I can do it on my own rah rah rah. His good friend Kwon is friends with the owner and he is really the one who got me the job. I'm not bitter at all about needing the assistance, not like I thought I would be. I am just happy I got this job I think. Because I'm not on payroll I have to stay at hooters and be on their payroll so I can gain residency. Eric is friends with some of the dancers and cocktail waitresses which bothered me at first, but helped me out in the end. We went in and took a look around and he introduced me to Nina. She was the one who really took me under her wing and helped me out when I started on Friday. For my first night I made 115, tipped out about 15, we owe the bar 15% of our tips at the end of the night, then got 36 for hourly. I think for a first night that wasn't too bad. The dancers are pretty amazing there, they are fun to watch and are rreally good at what they do. Sarah would have a circus there, she is really interested in the pole dancing thing, (not for money just for fun). Most of the other girls were super nice, 2 that started with me were new too so they were automatically nice. Alicia is a Coors Light girl, she basically runs that and I told her about sarah applying there, and she knew who I was talking about!! Talk about a small world!! Once I turn 21 she says they would be excited to hire me especially with cocktail waitressing experience! Oh and I can't pick up extra shifts at 939 until I'm 21 either, so on top of a little extra freedom, there are some other things to look forward to as well. At 939 I can do what I want as I please and if you don't want to approach someone abuot buying drinks you don't have to because its a free for all. You can do as much or as little work as you want really, it was great for a beginner. I'm working tonight too- it will be slow but maybe I can practice sitting down with tables and getting them to buy me drinks. Thats someting I'm not used to working in restuarants, this could be fun!!! I have to work on my smoothness- compared to the other girls I'm pretty formal. But over all I'm sure I could be good at this and make good money here. Next week si going to be a zoo- hooters finally gave me the 5 shifts I have been begging for for th elast month and a half, but now I don't need it because of the second job. Its a lot of work. I'm working

Monday: Hooters 5-11
Tuesday: 939 7-2
Wednesday: Hooters 5-11
Thursday: 939 7-2
Friday: Hooters 5-12
Saturday: Hooters 5-12
Sunday: Hooters 3-11

Not to mention my next big exam for anatomy and physiology is on th 17, a wednesday I think? and another 1000 for tuition is due on the 16. Busy month for me.

As for the boy, he is still working sales but is getting ready to transfer to a job at the navy shipyard at the end of this month. He is excited about that but dissapointed he isn't starting sooner- with bills to pay and all and the car sales business going downt the tubes I understand he's stressing. We got a parking stall in Waikiki for 145 /mo a little steep but it helps SO FREAKIN MUCH we aren't waking up in a frenzy realizing its monday or friday and we parked on the ala wai and there goes 160 just in parking fees- that happened twice last month. If you look at it that way we're actually saving money!

I think this is my last tuition payment for this semester, adn I sent in my KCC app so next semester I'll be going there and taking my one class and a lab over there. Its closer to my home, its cheaper, and once I get in there, if I stay and get into the nursing program it is even better than the UH Manoa program. One step at a time though- It will at least save me 2000 in the short run compared to the UH manoa outta state tuition per credit hour.

I have a lab exam in umm... one hour. I should go up to campus and dig out there for a few, study just a little bit more. Then its home and getting ready for work at 939 tonight. :) wish me luck, its gonna be slow.

SOS

I was going so strong, I was doing so well and I thought wow I am okay, I am going to be okay. I haven't talked to eric for 2 whole days, and I'm in class and I'm talking to people and its okay. But I'm not really okay, I'm stressed and my chest feels tight and my heart is racing, my whole body feels sad. I can't work because I can't get enough shifts, and no one is giving up shifts right now because everyone is in a crunch to pay rent, and I'm so far behind after working at the shack all last month and losing money and being stressed about balancing job schedules- now I'm 300 behind on rent which was due today, 80 for a phone bill due on the 5th, 80 for utilities due today with rent which isn't here, and I have HAVE to have 1000 in my bank account by the 16 because UH takes it out automatically for tuition, which doesn't look possible in 2 weeks, working 2 days a week at hooters. I am all alone, I don't know who to go to to talk about it because I feel like I just want to be so strong, and I had so much hope for eric that I feel so foolish its over. I can't talk to anyone about that really, and I don't know what to do for money being this far behin and not being able to get more shifts. I'm seriously freaking out at this point in the middle of class and I'm not listening to anything the teacher is saying I'm totally zoned out and having a complete anxiety attack. This really sucked. After class I called mom. I had written to her earlier today to tell her money was a little tight but everything was okay, and i got the insurance card. but it wasn't okay and I was on my own and sinking and there was nothing I could do about it. I was so upset but she was really understanding and caring. She told me how proud of me she is and asking for help isn't failing, and she would put money in the bank for this month and if I want I can pay it back. That was a huge weight off my shoulders. huge. She put a lot in too. Just incase I can't make tuition, she put in 1500, but I only need a couple hundred right now for rent. I might have to dip into it when tuition bill comes around because it seems so unlikely that i'll make it own my own with work troubles being what they are the economy is dead and we're feelin it.

As for eric, well I don't really know. Its tought, but it'll even out eventually somehow. I'll be okay no matter what happens and I can do it on my own, I have been up to now, and so far it doesn't seem like having him around has gotten me very far ahead now does it?

I have a lab report due tomorrow, a rewrite of the one last week,
gotta call the liquor comission to get times and dates for liquor card testing
send in the KCC application so I can go there next semester- taking microbiology and lab there for my one class and lab. It will save me a lot of money.

i guess eric is on the way to come get his stuff. gotta go xoxo

Cannot concentrate

So close to rent and util and phone bill and I'm home, trying to study or do something at all productive after a failed attempt to pick up a shift at hooters tonight. I need the money for rent, and I need something to take my mind off my useless boyfriend. He snapped at me last night and never apologized for it, and i'm supposed to just let it go and be fine with his sarcastic apology, but I'm not. It still hurt my feelings and all I really needed was a sincere real apology and this would be over right now. He blames me for dragging it out when he is the one dragging it out by not just giving a sincere heartfelt I'm sorry. He had to go and make a big deal out of it, and tells me "I did say I'm sorry, you just didn't accept it." This is so not fair, its not my fault and I still feel bad even though I didn't do anything wrong. Its not right at all for him to treat me like this, I didn't do anything wrong and for him to make me suffer and wait up so he will go to bed so I can relax and go to bed as well is wrong. I shouldn't have to wait up and be upset and anxious and feel bad, he should be the one feeling bad but he isn't, and then he turns it against me. Its not right, and I don't want to be with someone who does this everytime he does something wrong. Its going to happen, because no one is perfect, so this is obviously going to be an ongoing problem if he cannot apologize and admit when he is wrong. We've had a serious fight over this before and we talked. I said something had to change or this was not going to work. He told me it would and we had to give it another chance to even tell if things could change. Well here is fight number one, the tell all- and guess what!? nothing has changed, mr I'm always right and you can't lecture me about anything because i never do anything wrong is at it again. Now I'm concentrating on how much I'm annoyed with him and I can't get through any of my studying, and I can't go out and do anything because I feel like shit. I just don't want to have to deal with this. He is so great in so many ways but this is a huge problem we are going to keep having and I have to decide if it's really worth my time.

Sleep is more fun

It came to me in my sleep. I'm going to write a book about a porn star who is a man who wants more facial recognition and fame so he decides to start a reality show about himself finding love but he doesn't have any need for love and actually is incapable of truely loving someone besides himself. its a base but its a strong one. I'll start on it right away. Its going to be chuck palhinuk meets erotica. thoughts?

I'm back to doing what I do

Like my thoughts, my actions are all over the place and always unnecessary. I do what I do and its not sociably acceptable and people don't get it. I swear in front of children, cry infront of men, push those who are bigger than me and run from those I know won't hurt me. I'm irrational and random, I say things I don't mean and take things I don't need. Right now I'm unmotivated and I lie and make excuses for myself and blame others even though there is no one else around. I don't need to do this and I don't have to find insults and insecurities in every little thing but I still do anyways. Work is both on the brink of disaster and the best it's ever been, I only have one class to take but I still feel like I'm falling behind.

If I could go through life with out caring or trying or wanting and needing I wouldn't feel the anxiety I feel like I just showed up for a test I spent months studying for to realize I studied all the wrong material. I keep waiting for something to pop up and tell me I've been doing the right thing all this time and really I'm not getting any of that.

The weight gain has me in the dumps and my failur at a new job has my mind boggled and I have bad dreams about work and getting behind and letting people down and messing up all the time. I have no money and no motivation to go make money, but I'm going in to work tonight. I just have to do it. And go in tomorrow and do it again.

Monday I have a review session to go to for my lab exam on Tuesday. I'm only scheduled for friday next week but I will try and pick up Thursday and next Saturday and Sunday too.

All this laziness and stress... I just finished my first exam in anat and pysiology, I am anxious to get my test score and scared at the same time. My second payment for tuition installments went through yesterday for 1000 but rent is still due in a couple weeks and my phone bill just arrived in the mail yesterday. I haven't had money to pay for essentials for about a month. After I gain residency though, after this semester and next semester, then would be a good time to look for places for me and Eric/

His job is in the dumps right now too, he got demoted from finance to sales and the sales are so low he isn't makeing any money. Luckily he was offered the job at the shipyard but it isn't a pay increase at all and he'll maybe have to pick up another job untl he is sent to virginia for 5 months for training before he can be promoted to the initial well paying position he was hoping for. I feel terrible he is stressed about work and money, and also stressed about leaving for 5 months when ever the training session is set to begin. I don't know what we'll do then, we've talkd about both going to virginia but that would ruin my residency tuition plan. There's no way i would tell him not to go though, because he is finally doing something with his major and getting out of the used car industry, and thats something he's wanted to do for a while. It all keeps coming though, every day it seems like, something goes wrong with the car or babymama wants more money or pfleuger is screwing someone else over or we get a parking ticket or something, and I'm really impressed at how well he holds himself together. he's really stable and secure and strong so I feel like even though things are a little rough right now, we'll be fine soon enough.

Tonight I picked up a shift for ananda which I should go get ready for.
Things to do soon

-Get new insurance cards from Maine
-have full checkups (dental, eye exam, physical,)
-order new contacts
-pay phone bill
-start saving for rent!

'As far as I can tell' my feet hurt from the sight of 'as far as I can see'

This isn't going quite as I had hoped. I thought this was what I wanted most, that wanting something was enough to make it good, its so hard to find something good to want. I am so irritated, and just when I thought I knew I could be certain about something- I can't be and maybe I like the security of not knowing how long this friend will last, the inevitability of losing everything gives me faith. A sad security knowing I will always have a way out. I could scream for so long but it is useless because I yell and yell and the smaller I become. I can scream until I'm out of air, but I can also stand the silence in my heart, the lack of a rush, short changed horizons, and I can walk for ever with out finding water to quench this thirst. So I scream at the sands that dissipate in the wind and I scream at the wind but no one hears those words in this whirlwind, so this is where I throw my hands in the air and walk until I find a new oasis, or the mirage in the distance, its all the same to me.

costa rica was awesome!

Besides the flights and the lay overs and all that jazz rah rah rah the rest of the trip was spectacular! When I flew into san jose I was immedietly surrounded by a familiar feeling of complete unfamiliarity, such was the feeling when I flew into korea for the first time and was surrounded by a mass of people who I am incapable of communicating with for the most part. I was worried when Icouldn't make my phone call out, I was ever more flustered when the only information my phone would give me as to why I could not call out was all in spanish. Tmobile had once again let me down. Luckily I found kristy waiting for me just outside the airport. Her phone didn't pick up any bars in San Jose as well, so it was rocky there for the both of us on arrival. We then took a taxi to the other side of san jose to the smaller jet port taht would fly us to our beach destinatin, Manuel antonio! I was tired and stinky and couldn't wait to arrive! The flight to the beach was short, 15 -20 tedious minutes with serious drops and swoops and dangerous banks that had us clinging to our seats and praying, well on kristy's part, I mostly just hung on for dear life and screamed everytime our little tiny plane hit any serious turbulance.



Our hotel, the mono Azul, the blue monkey was pretty impressive. It was just as I had expected Costa rica to look, and every building was all open and airy, with a hint of the third world country that we were in, which I liked a lot. It would seem pointless to visit a third world country, ( and they called themselves that, I didn't say it) and have it look just like the hilton hawaiian, everything felt more real, rustic, and authentic there. Quepos and Manuel antonio are joining towns split by a small winding road littered with little restaurants and grocery stores. We stayed right in the middle, closer to Quepos side than Manuel antonio.



First day there we jsut settled in, we had to switch rooms in the morning cuz of some conflict in scheduling. it was a nice room with one big bed. the hotel had wireless internet and 3 pools, and it was only 50 a night, for that I would consider it quite luxerious! Our first day tehre we saw the monkeys! there was a small blue line going acrossed the road so the monkeys can cross safely. We heard them first, then a whole slew of them bounding across the rope 2 or 3 at a time, playing and screeching. One little one almost fell off and all the observers gasp! then he stablized himself and continued across. I got some of this on video, unfortunately my camera was lost somewhere between the laguardia ariport and the queens motor inn... :(tragic indeed.



Our second day we left early for the Manue antonio National Park. That was fabulous! It was a pretty good hike, then we took another extra trail away from the main beaches to hit up a couple smaller ones. It was the most gorgeous views, the water was green and blue in the most amazing shades. there were wild iguana littered all over the beaches and all through the park. I almost stumbled right into a huge one who just refused to move! Kristie saw it and was yelling to me, but i just kept walking right to the last second when I saw the second one next to him, and yelped and jumped. then did i see the one that almost ate me, twice the size as his partner, it was a close call- i was close enough to have reached down and touched it one of the people near us told me. no shit... don't wanna do that again! The main beaches were breath taking as well, and there were white faced monkeys crossing our paths, they are so playful and tame I was shocked! The little monkeys by our hotel were smaller called Titi monkeys. A raccoon came up and stole a bag of cookies from a woman while she was sitting right there holding on to them! so I guess the monkeys aren't the only things that are tame in the area! We saw sloths and kristie saw a snake in the national park too. I got pictures of the sloths, but the camera thing again.. you know.



We just walked around Manuel Antonio for a while after we were done in the park, which is really only one main road and people set up their kiosks and sell "original" my ass costa rican trinkets. most of the things were things you could buy in the "international marketplace" in hawaii. so it took us a while to come upwith some real authentic (as far as i know, at least it wasnt hawaiian loking) gifts for everyone.



I think the next day we were pretty tired, I had a headache that lasted almost 3 days, I think it was something to do with the pina coladas i had the first night I was there, so no more dirnking for me after that first night. We went zip lining a few days after arriving, the front desk set that up for us and a tour bus picked us up. it was so much fun. we didn't see any wildlife really but we were also at the end of the line so anything would have been scared away by the time we got there. the point was we went ziplineing through a rainforest! attached by only pully things I dont really get. the guides were nice, especially one, stephen who was a cutie! he hit on us we flirted back, but i'm guessing he was married or something, way too cute to be just single hanging out in a rainforest. anyways i have someone, so we decided to not go out after he invited us to meet up out on the town. the ziplining tour had ziplining, doi, repelling, which was scary especially after they told me the link was going to be really hot and watch out it doesnt burn your skin off when we strap it back on to your belt line, oh ge thanks for the heads up! i was so scared! it was relaly hot i caught my hand on it once right after we repelled, ouch!! the tarzan swing was scary too, that i was just afraid the person who was supposed to catch me on the otherside would miss and i'd be stuck dangling between two trees all day. irrational i know. it was a loooooong ass way down though and that was a little scary too, even though i'm not afraid of heights I don't think i would enjoy falling like 10 stories down.



We had a couple days of rest and relaxation and some shopping in Manuel Antonio. Our last adventure was the white water rafting. We chose the easiest one, but turns out we didnt' get the easiest one, we got the hardest one, and they looked pretty calm but it was all the work I could do to keep myself in that raft. We had a lot of fun, and our guide was nice. he had a tattoo on his leg of a sea horse too! same leg about the same size as mine too! crazy!! the river was fun, we had a water war with the other raft but they had more people.

our last day we spent sight seeing in san jose the capital and went to a zoo like biopark thing, not many animals but we had fun anyways. we shopped at the market center and then flew out at 330 the next morning. so much fun so many memories, def gotta do it again sometime

Family - far from the familiar

I left HI, and an amazing new guy I think I will possibly dedicate a good chunk of this upcoming year to, to go to Maine. It seemed like an obligatory return, I haven't been since xmas and I sort of stupidly figured that they would miss me or something... but I also had to scatter Gram's ashes and might as well throw an eye apt in there as well. So it seemed like an important visit, like I should really go home by now. I was excited too. I talked to mom sometimes and dad on the phone too and epople seemed excited that I was coming home. I planned on seeing kristin steve and a couple people fromhome, maybe pete an old friend, or joey- but nothing really panned out. I did get to spend a lot of quality time with kristin, my friend from elementary school.

On my arrival mom and dad picked me up from that airport. As loving and charming as they are together, it was akward that they both were there to get me. We went to the Evans' grandparents house since we were in the area and dad wants us to be close to his parents like we were with mom's parents while his are in their gradual descent from this life. Grandpa was in the hospital with a recently discovered complete kidney failur, and Gram the always loving and caring wife would have gotten MAD/ JEALOUS had she known we had snuck out to see him for an hour or so. He was actually in very high spirits, I think the time in the hospital away from my Gram E has done him good. We took him for a walk, he was doing very well and planned on returning home on monday (which didn't happen) and the nurses taking care of him were very good looking,so he at least was in a good place and state of mind.

After the short and a little strange visit with him and Gram E we drove home, dropped off the luggage and went out to eat. We went to a steak house I had never been to and had fun sometimes, joked around and jsut acted like a nice family for a couple hours. I realize how awful it would have been now to have been an only child... even though living with tracy could be trying at times, at least I wasn't stuck wtih my disfunctional family all by myself! Not much to do at home, I hung out with mom and such.

I went to bangor on sunday with Kristin to shop at the mall for vicky's secret and bath and body works things because hawaii has none of that stuff. the mall closed at 6 and we got there at 530 so we ran around and i got a strapless bra last minute before vickys closed, then we took goofy pics to entertain ourselves. It was a lot of fun talking to kristin about our lives and what we had missed in eachothers. Very insightful and its good that we are still friends even though all that we've been through in and out of eachothers lives. So that was cool.

The next night krissy came over too and we watched movies with her sister nikki and talked and had fun. It was a good trip, seeing mom and dad and kristin and aunt karen, when I look back on it it realy wasn't so bad. Its just that when I'm there I can't stand being there. I can't stand how dad treats mom and how he just acts over all. I don't like it and it drives me crazy keeping my mouth shut. It always bothered me more than it did tracy that they fought and that mom just clammed up and haha smile ok i'm ok we're just alll right! then her actions and deep deep depression shows that obviously this little show that nothing dad does effects her- really does. she has just thrown her hands up and declared this lifestyle as normal! Accepted that the next 20 years of her life will be miserable and just decided to go through the motions every day and be completey sad and discontent with her life. It is heart breaking and frustrating, and annoying! THAT IS WHY I HATE COMING HOME sorry its not that i dont wanna see you mum but this life affects me too. Dad was completely selfish in his ways and would not do anything to change his schedule or routine around to correspond with my schedule, the 4 fucking days i would be there, he couldnt couldn't- wouldnt! change the channel or the volume of a very disgusting murder show he was watching while I was at the table trying to eat, even though i asked him to change it! he said well don't watch it or don't listen. He has my room turned into his room, and the living room and kitchen are at his disposal at all times, it wasnt like there was any where for me to go! it was impossible and i just kept pretending that it was all okay and that i wasn't dissapointed in how my family was acting. This is not someplace I would ever take eric. andits got nothing to do with him. its my family and my own humiliation of them. sometimes I wonder if i'm making it up, how they are and if myabe i shold just give them a chance. then i realize that no, i'm not making it up or exaggerating the flaws. its bad and it really is embaressing.

so i finally shipped out to costa rica, after spending another lovely day with my aunt and mom and karen's camp. she was being really bitchy too, mom excused her because its the heat that gets to her, she's let herselff go and gained a lot of weight, so she has the right to treat everyone like shit who is just trying to be freindly on their 4 fucking day vacation home. JUST PRETEND TO LIKE ME ITS ONLY 4 FUCKING DAYS. she came around later and agreed to go kayaking with me, we had fun.

Mom could see that I was upset by how this trip was going, and came down to the boat I was in to talk to me.

"I don't know how tracy can stay here. I can't believe how hard it is for me to be here for just 4 days"
I know how fyou feel she said
"How can you live like this? how can you just give up and accept life like this for the next 20 years?"
thats how it is- she said

NO IT ISNT no it really isnt/
people move. people demand change. people get out of bad situations. it is possible.
come to hawaii. leave dad. if just for a little while, you dont need him to rely on any more. he holds nothign over you now, and gram is gone, you can get out. nothing is holding you in maine anymore and you don't have to just accept a miserable life here. you don't have to and i can tell you now, this is going to be my last trip to maine, i can't stand this. if you want to seeme you can come to hawaii. in fact you can move to hawaii. it is possible to move iwth nothing and start over. it is possible and people do it all the time.
"I've never thought about that"
"it's definitely food for thought"

it was hope that was different in mom after that moment. she is still overbaring at times, but if she comes to HI its mylife and i live it the way i want to live it andshe will know that if she does move out there is so she is starting over. i will help her take care of things and we will work something out. i want to help her but i am also scared what this is going to do to my family, to tracy, to our current fundings, to well... everything i know in maine. everything. i don tknow if i'm ready to take care of mom- but i know she needs options and she needs to get out of a bad situation. so that is the drama in maine right now. tracy doesnt know about it, actually no one really does except mom me and my friend sarah who I told. I sort of told eric a little bit, but he has never even seen his family argue, he would never understand this kind of situation.

then i shipped out to costa rica with a 9 freakin hour lay over in laguardia airport, buti survived that and arrived and met up with kristie, so i'm here, at the motel now and the adventures here are amazing and wonderful and exciting and lovely and for another brighter cheerier post.

I don't wonder with you

My guy is so amazing. I have known him for such a short time, and I really do trust him completely. That is a lot to say, and he is a salesman, so he is a smooth talker and that does scare me a lot sometimes. I don't want to get emotionally invested and then have him turn out to be one of those guys who says what ever he wants to get a girl attached so he can have his way and then walk away unbruised. That was how Brad was, and seeing the same symptoms in Chris I was sure to keep a good solid obvious distance from him and let him know his romance was lost on me, I was immune to his bullshit. That was a good call, butthis seems different, and I have met the family, and we did wait to have sex until I knew him better. I know a week isn't very long, but it was for us, we were inseperable for the first 6 days we met and it felt like I had known him forever. He likes to be around the girl he loves every day, and that is good news. A self proclaimed hopeless romantic, and falls fast. I guess I do to, this all sort of came out of no where. I'm ready to be in a secure and uncomplicated relationship, and this could be it. There is not much to worry about and we're just happy together, no fights, nothing to fight about. So far so very very good. We talked on the phone for 3 hours straight last night.

Warren saw the pictures on my facebook or myspace not sure which, but he texted me like 2 minutes after I had posted them. He asked who is the new guy in all your pics? I didn't know what to call us quite yet because we aren't officially together. I guess it's because we are trying to slow things down but Eric says it's because he wants me to decide if I really want to be committed right now. I am pretty sure I don't want to be with anyone else right now, and I'm ready for a committment, but I am waiting until I get back to give him that answer. So I just told warren its a new fling.... he Texted me later saying so I guess that leaves us back to nothing then? I didn't know what to say, if I should just cut allties with him right here, and just say yes I guess so. Or no it isn't like that. But both is just wrong. I can't just push warren out of my life because he is a friend and doesn't deserve that with out some kind of explination. But I don't want to lead him on and keep him on a back burner becuase I want to be committed and fully committed when I see Eric again. So I didn't write back for a while, then I decided it was best to be reasonable and not fight. I wrote this, "What were we before then? We weren't dating although it was a possibility, we weren't. We were friends though and I hold that in much higher regard than nothing. I hope we can remain friends and if you want to talk about this please call me." It was the right thing to say and it was exactly how I feel with out letting myself get carried away one way or the other. He texted me back and I got it this morning, "you're right I do cherish our friendship too. I think it just caught me by surprise cuz i still have feelings for you. I'm sorry i over reacted i will try to give... " didn't get the rest of that text, might get it later? Anyways its a good way to end it without being mean or selfish, and then if eric turns out to be another brad I will still have a good friend in warren, something that is really important to me.


today is kind of overcast and cloudy, but wasn't planning on doing much anyways, might try and get ahold of steve, or something. I avoided seans calls because I don't even want to go there, I knw I would be good if I saw him but I don't even want to put myself in that situation because I really reallly don't want to fuck things up with eric.

me and kristin got to hang out a little bit yesterday and today we will get together too hopefully and hit camp tomorrow. maybe it will be sunny. :)she's the only friend I've seen here so far, and i'm cool with that. I really should call steve though and try and meet up with him sometime today cuz he was really sweet about trying to be available to make plans while i'm up in maine.

this week if i can remember it all correctly......

I know I haven't updated in a while. My computer was acting really funny, it would not turn on, then it would turn on if Iheld the power switch until it was off and hit the power switch again. I htought it would last until I got home and dad could fix it, but a couple days later it completely shit the bed. not turning on the screen at all but the lights on the keyboard would light up. Weird. I just left it for a couple days.

Work as been amazing, I worked like 5 days last week and made bank because the RIMPAC navy guys were in HI. Its the navy from all over the world, well 5 different countries and they all have been out to sea for so long they would have eaten dog shit served by black sheep. So they were the happiest customers at hooters I think I've ever seen. Lots of stunt men shots, lots of big tips and good times. That helped a lot with this trip to costa rica coming up and all. On the 4th I got a table that didn't strike me as very different at the time, they were quiet and kept to themselves but at the end the nicer of the two came up and handed me the credit card slip as an excuse to say bye. Usually its dismissable cuz its just a hooters customer but maybe it was cuz he wasn't the typical hooters customer, or the way he looked right at my face and not the general chest vicinity that was different. He was cute too, really adorable. On the 5th Kasia said one of my tables came back later to see if I was still here, I was hoping it was that table and not some freak or something. Thats nice, I thought. Then towards the end of the night Kasia runs over, LORI your guy is here, the one from last night! the one that came back later last night looking for you! -Oh really? cool. It was nice that all the hooters girls were drooling over him too, and kasia says oh hes here to see lori. what? LORI? WHY LORI? haha thanks for the support girls.

I was really timid at first, I knew he came back to talk to me but i was like, he is older, and what would I talk to him about.... I'm too nervous to go talk to him. But I stopped by he was sitting at the bar and we talked for a second, I still had tables to tend to. I was touched he came back in the night before and then the next day too. After my tables all left and I was just cleaning the tables we talked a little bit, and I offered to meet him upstairs at the bar above hooters, bikini cantina. I was supposed to go out to varsity with Sarah and Jordan that night, right after work. But I figured it was still early I had time to go see him at bikini's and if I liked him I'd invite him to varsity with us. But then Kat had an issue, her crazy army fiance found old letters from a guy and got pissed and drunk, then trashed her apartment. So right after work Kat calls me, Lori come quick I need your help I got most of it together but I don't htink I can get it all cleaned up by myself. I was in a serious dilemma. a) go see sarah like I had planned. b) go to kats and help fix the apartment. c) Go to bikinis and meet up with a guy I had just met. The advice I got was go ahead with a but call b and forget c.

Of course I don't do this. I call a and tell her the issue with kat and she understands. I call b and tell her I"m on my way, then meet c and let him know I'm not standing him up, but that Kat needs me for tonight. he was understanding and he said he was going to Fashions, which is a club almost directly acrossed the street from my apartment. I told him if I left kat's early enough I'd stop by and see him. His friend works there on that night so he was just hanging out there.

Kat's apartment wasn't as bad as I had imagined. I thought he would have broken shit, but mostly he was just upset and knew he would come around that is why he threw everything in the trash completely preserved. He knew Kat would rush around and clean up and fix the things that weren't broken. she had most of it cleaned up pretty good, and had unpacked his duffel while he was passed out on the bathroom floor. We cleaned up pretty fast and it looked just fine after a couple hours. Kat was a mess though, she had been crying so hard. He had come into work while we were busy and brought that drama to her, it was completely unnecessary!! So she had had a really bad night and most of what I did was just convince her that this was not the end of the world, he was going to come aroudn and forgive her, that is why the pictures are not broken or torn, they are just taken off the walls, and he didn't leave like he threatened to. She was such a mess though, I feel for her a lot. We did get everything all together, and I headed home on my moped. When I got back to Waikiki and changed outta the hooters uniform I called the earlier Hooters customer, his name is Eric.

He was still at fashions so I change into a little more appropriate outfit. It was 3 when I got there, and the club closed at 4 on Saturday. It was fun, we talked for the hour I was their, neither of us are very good at dancing until drunk, and he wasn't drinking and I didn't use my fake id to get a 21 band. After the club closed he offered to walk me back to my place. It was sweet and I felt really comfortable with him. Then maybe half an hour later he called when he got home and we talked until 6 am!! I wasn't working until sunday morning and he had the day off, so we made plans to go to the beach.

The beach we went to was closed because of lack of parking spaces, then the waterpark was too full so we decided against that too. we settled on the pool at the aiea rec center by his house. I got super sunburned especially on my chest, and work afterwards was sooo difficult and embaressing. I made almost no money and was extremely uncomfortable the whole time. He brought me into work and then picked me up afterwards and gave me a ride home on his bike. It was not scary but it was not comfortable because the rider seat is so much higher than the drivers seat I kept falling forward into his seat. It was nice of him to give me a ride home but I still didn't invite him in. The next day I gave my shift away to Leeann, thank god soemone wanted it, because my sunburn was so bad! I slept in and aloed myself silly. Later when Eric got outta work we decided to meet up for some food for supper and just to chill until then. I drove my moped to the ala moana mall where we were gonna meet.

Heres my shitty story about how I bascially totaled my moped. I wanted to park close to the mall not have to drive around in circles until I found a close moped parking thingy. I decided on the bank of hawaii because it was the closest parking lot. the moped parking was right in front, but there was no ramp to the poles to lock a moped to. Tehre was a moped up there on the edge though, I figured it must be possible. I hit the curb going fast enough to jump the curve but I was only half on the moped just incase it didn't go and I didn't want to get flipped over it. Good thinking right? But the moped jumped the curve and took off straight at the wall and the more I tried to hold it back the moreI pressed on the gas to pull it back and the faster it went, straight ino the cement wall behind the moped rack. and smash! my whole front end is fucked up rpetty bad. I bruised the inside of my right thigh with the handle bar, it looks pretty homely. It was soo really really painful, and funny and frustrating at the same time. I called Eric and met upwith him in the mall and told him what happened. so embaressing!! But he was so sweet and sympathetic and even offered to help fix it.

The bruise is the worst. I left the moped in the bank of hawaii parking lot over night. We went out to eat at a korean restaurant I had been dying to go to since I got to the island. It was really good, and we just never run out of things to talk about. He has so amny stories and has done so much with his life already. He was a navy seal and then graduate college with a major in chemestry, and now he's a business manager at a used car dealership. He is a smooth talker and really charming but swears, (sometimes) he is a terrible liar and that is why he doesn't sell the cars anymore, he is just in charge of the guys who sell the cars. Oh and he has a son. did I mention he's a little bit older? Hes 29. 30 on Sep 15. But it doesn't feel like that at all and it is reassuring becausehe kind of has his shit together, (kind of) and isn't scared to death of being committed to someone like umm all the other guys I know. That was nice, it comforted me somehow.

After supper we looked for headlight parts but we didn't know at the time that wasn't the only thing wrong with it. I didn't wanna drive it home with out a headlight so I left it and we went to his house. I met the fam. I know, kinda fast right? Well it wasnt like they just embraced me either. They were a little cold, his parents and brothers. I really don't think they like that I am so much younger than him. His friends surely don't approve, they are bringing up all the time that I am not over 21 and that is his golden rule.

On tuesday I worked at night, so we left, he supposed to be at work at 9 but called in and explained he was going to be late. He left me at my moped but after I started driving it I realized something was much more worse than my headlight being broken. I drove it to the dealership he works at and parked it next to his car, he said he would look at it when he gets the time. I just chilled with him at his work for most of the morning. That was the day I found out he had a son. He didn't exactly tell me, it slipped out while he was talking to one of his coworkers. Oh REALLY? YOU HAVE A SON? wow it was pretty shocking. But it got over it, I mean it isnt like he lied about it he really just didn't know how to bring it up. Who doesnt' have those kinds of secrets. No big.


I left the moped there and took the bus to work. He showed up later after work and a late meeting with some bankers. Leeann him and I went to bikini's for a couple drinks while she waited for her ride. He's so cute and I feel totally comfortable with him by now. Its like we are basically together so it felt just, ... right? it did, its crazy. He brought me home and I offered to let him stay. I slept that night really well. I was going to do all my packing on wednesday because I thought I was flying home on thrusday but actually I didn't leave until friday at 3. So we woke up I did some laundry then we took a nap until 6 pm!! Did soem more laundry and went out to eat at mac 24-7 at around 11. We stayed up most of that night obviously, since we didn't even wake up until 6 that evening. We decided to go sunrise hunting on wednesday morning. Sunrise was at 5:50. We left a little late and almost missed it. It was so sooooo beautiful. It was fun, I didn't expect him to be down for something like that, just kinda so go with the flow. I love that!

Besides that wednesday was a little draining. His friend billy flew in from San Diego at 1. We went to his place to meet him, he was pretty rude. I guess I passed the looks part but he was not impressed with me over all because I think he just wanted Eric to hang out with him the whole time he is in HI. Its fine with me I don't want to intrude but it wasn't my call. E chose to hang otu with me over billy cuz i was leaving friday. Then he had to go pick up a part for his motercycle. The guy that sold him that was pretty rude to me too. How cool is that. I like going out and geting hated on. But I do like hangingout with Eric and he was really supportive. Except we weren't sure what we are to eachother. He introduced me to billy as his friend, but his friend with hickies all over her neck? why not just tell him you found me on the corner of kuhio and lewers or what not? It is okay cuz I introduce him to people as my friend too. But he's my friend. My new shiney accessory. I tell him that too, we joke about it. But seriously, things are good and so good taht it seems like this can't even be real. How did this even happen, how did these circumstances fall this way? Its really good luck. But its pretty balanced at least for me by crashing my moped, breaking my laptop, getting sunburned, and losing sarah to the mainland for the rest of the summer. He is an amazing guy though. I am fucking surprised how much I like this guy already. Andhes so good looking I love looking at him and hugging him.

He stayed the night again, and on friday brought me to the airport. It was a long ass plane ride but I made it alive adn I"m still really running on fumes. I have Eric's laptop, SO NICE SO SO SO SO NICE, he let me take the laptop and offered to take care of mine. It turns out... it's a recalled computer so its a common problem and if you sendit in they will fix it for free. :) he'sdealing with that for me, and with my moped too. That takes um, all the stress off my sholders, I can't believe what luck I have. At least the most amazing guy comes along when all this shit is falling apart. Things definitely couldn't have turned out a lot worse.

Mom and dad met me at the airport, we went to visit Gram and Gramp evans. Gramp is in the hospital, he has kidney failur but he is in good spirits well rested, and should be sent home on monday. Gram is still losing her mind, its a sad car crash in slow motion. Nothing anyone can do to change the coarse of their fates. Uncle Tom from Colorado was there, I never get to see him anymore! That was cool. We drove home and I had to try on all the vicky's secret clothes I got and had sent to maine. It was like xmas in JULY! from me! i liked them all so cute! worth the $$. We went out to eat, me mom and dad to a steak house in rockland. It was really good. And I heard from my E and got some new pics of him, so cute to send me pics. I love it. :) <- he makes me do that a lot. I only have about 3 days in maine, not the 5 I thought I was going to have. Tomorrow a bbq with crit, maybe see steve and kristin and jimmy. prob not all those people, maybe just one but thats okay. We are also spreading grams ashes tomrrow too. That is really the most important part of coming home. It sucked that tracy wasn't home cuz i really watned someone who would be as ecstatic as I am about eric. mom listens and acts like ohh cool but doesnt care that much, and dad doesnt care at all flat out doesnt listen. but i'm still happy. I need to go into town and get some dunkin donuts coffee and print some pics. I leave on tuesday night for costa rica for a week. I'm so ready for that!

All in all things are good, and all that is bad is being taken care of, and I met the most amazing guy ever and that rocks my hooters scrunch socks wooo!

umm i think that is all. well. if you made it this far, kudos!

Stopped between a sigh and a scream

Tonight was the annual Hooters bikini contest. woohoo. Tia actually asked me to be in it and I was flattered, but I don't have the body, which people argue, but i also don't have the confidence and the heart to lose. It would ruin my ego to lose. Especially when Rynell was in it and came in second. I think she is so ugly and that John chose her over me, and then she goes and gets second in the bikini contest is just another fucking slap in the face. One right after the other. Grrr! I"m not gonna fight it, I was disrespected and there is no way to get that back. There is no way to get that friendship back, and theres no way its gonna ever be the same again. I have to face it and find a way to live with it. I shouldn't hate Rynell but its gettig worse and worse every day. She never did anything but it rubs me raw that everyone loves her, and she is so cute, and she has such a cute body, and that John has her claimed as his. It is like being replaced. I was that really cute sweet girl that hit on all the kitchen boys and got what ever I wanted. Its like getting fucking replaced and I'm so stupid and immature about it but it fucking hurts!! I guess it happens no matter where you work, the same thing happend at cheeseburger in paradise. I used to be top cat in that cathouse, but shit fell apart. I don't know, but the most reassuring thing is that things will change eventually. If I do stick it out, he will leave, or she will leave, or I will leave, and new people will come, and new things will happen. I have faith in that because especially at hooters we have a high turnover all the time on the floor and in the kitchen. Its cool. I'm cool no I'm over it. I just don't like to see it in my face. I don't like to see him all over her at work. Tht still is a little sore. And I want to punch him. ugh! sigh.

Looking up, tomorrow is my day off. I'm hanging out with Sarah, and then hanging out with Brandon. I think I am seeing him waaay too often and he is getting the wrong impression. And then if he tries something he will be like what do you mean no? Why have I been doing so much for you and you won't even - rah rah rah. Cuz maybe he isn't doing all this because he is my friend. And he comes in to see me at work and gets jealous when I don't sit with him as much as I sit with Michael or something, its like, I know its gonna get past the friend thing quick, and I don't want him to assume we are gonna be more than friends because we hang out all the time. I don't knwo if I should say something to him, or just like start talking about my guy problems so he knows he isn't a potential in my mind, but subtally, or IDNO WHAT THE FUCK. Anyways we're going out to eat then going to the human exhibit, oooo, and I'm going to see stop loss with sarah earlier in the day. If I wake up soon enough I might hit Kat's on the way to town cuz her an dI have been hanging out more too. Its good cuz now that Kristie left I'm a girl down, one man short, and I don't see much of Briana anymore cuz she lives so far away and she doesn't know how to drive a stick. :( So hopefully a day off will cheer me up!! I made good cash today, over 200 cuz it was packed all freakin night!! yay!

I want this day to last and last and last

It was a good day to take off. Tuesdays are usually not busy at Hooters, and my friend Brandon took me out kayaking again. I want so much for him to be my friend not because he wants to sleep with me. It hurt so so so so so much, when Brad told me that guys only hang out with me because they want to fuck me. I asked him if maybe it wasn't my personality, and he said no its because they want to fuck. I think there is more to me than that, but I don't know. I am weary, and I am not attracted or anything with Brandon, I want him to just want to be friends with me and want to take me so many places and hangout with me so much because we are friends. I am so scared this will get fucked up like Jen and Rob. I am so... really scared of fucking up and letting my guard down and just thinking that maybe he could be my friend. sometimes when he says things I am like, that could be hitting on me, maybe he does want more, and I get so paranoid. It was so offending when Brad told me that, and usually the things he says are so mean just because he wants to be mean, but that one hit home. I do worry that maybe that is all guys want. I wonder, and I do have a lot of problems having guys as just friends. So that was a home run for him I guess. But we all know Brad is a jerk and its wrong to listen to anything at all that he has to say. That just was a little too close to home I guess n I"m letting it get to me.

But Brandon is a nice nice guy and I hope he doesn't every try anything wiht me to fuck up our friendship. We have so many plans and we have a lot of fun hanging out together. LIke a girlfriend and I don't ever want him to try anything funny. We went kayaking today over at Lanikai, the most beautiful beach in Hawaii. We paddled out to flat island, bird sanctuary and that was fun, but the other island we paddled to, two miles off flat island was even cooler. I forgot my camera so we bought an underwater camera but ran out of pics half way through our trip. So we are going to have to go back. The other "mok" island is also a bird sanctuary. It was big and there was lots to explore. The water was so beautiful and even though it was rainy in Waikiki, which is rare, that meant good weather on the other side of the island. It was a beautiful day and I had so much fun. I'm getting pretty good at this kayaking, and even in open ocean it was not as bad as I thought. We had a double kayak though, I didn't have to pull my own the whole time which was a relief, I am not so ready for that yet!

After kayaking I met sarah at taco tuesdays but we had to catch a movie so we didn't have time to stay. We saw forgetting Sarah marshall, soo funny! Her, and her friend jordan met us there. He is a sweetie. We hit hooters afterwards for free food and to see my girlies. Briana was working and a lot of the new girls I like a lot. We went upstairs to bikinis afterwards because Greg was working. Lindsey came up later and drank with us, we played a couple games of pool then it was time to roll out. A full and eventful day off, that is the way I like to spend my time away from hooters. Tomorrow its back to work, another slow slow day, but I have thursday off too, Brandon wants to take me to a steakhouse cuz I told him how much I miss steak and pototes from maine. then we are going to the body exhibit, which I didn't know was real bodies. Now that I know that I'm glad we are eating before we go, I don't knwo how much of an apetite I will have after that. But it sounds so cool and it is only been showed in like 34 cities around the world, so it will be cool.

Hey lakers lost the finals, and the CELTICS WON yeaaah baby go east coast!

There are 6 billion people on this planet

There are 6.6 BILLION PEOPLE in the world and i'm NOT going to waste another minute being hurt by you, or you, or you!!!

Brad came over the other night to get laid, but we didnt and he was mad, but he called the next night cuz he thought something might have changed. well it didn't and he just gets meaner and meaner. I can't even believe I ever allowed someone to say those kinds of things to me. we got into an argument and i kicked him out then i made him come back because I felt bad for kicking him out. he stayed the night but wouldnt cuddle with me or anything. Then he had to leave in the morning early cuz he didn't want to waste his day laying around with me doing nothing. its only worth it if hes laying around getting some i guess. well fuck it. I sat there more than a little stunned after he left. I sat for a couple minutes in my bed, just thinking how I let people treat me like this. I remembered a "piece of flair" button (haha i know, dork!) on facebook, that said there are 6 billion people on this planet and i only want you. and I thought wow, there are 6.6 BILLION people on this planet and I'm going to invite over the one asshole who thinks he can emotionally and verbally abuse me and then get laid? OH FUCK NO.

THERE ARE 6.6 BILLION PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET THAT MEANS I DON'T HAVE TO SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN FUCKING AMAZING UNTIL I HAVE EXTINGUISHED MY 6.6 BILLION RESOURCES. (less if you want to exclude women, but I"m not going to)

if you can't change your fate change your attitude.
thats a good one too.
maybe you can't change fate, but who knows. you can always change the direction of life and hope for a brighter fate, right?
i don't so much believe in fate, but luck. good and bad. i think everything that happens to us happens depending on the situation, and it is influenced by good or bad luck. And it has nothing to do with what you deserve. If you do good things to get good karma, that makes you a good person. it doesn't mean good things will happen to you, or that bad things will happen to people who have done bad things to you. you are now, by your own standards, a good person. and that is dependant on your standards, and varies by person.

Anyways. I am counting down the days to Maine, and Costa Rica. I am excited to see mum and dad, and steve will be around too. crazy, the people who wind up sticking it out. I would never in a million years seen steve being the one friend I could count on seeing when I come back to Maine. Jun-hyeok, the guy I was seeing in Seoul will be in New York some time, I wish so much he could come to Hawaii. He was a sweet guy. He sent me an email, it was cute.

"hey this is me

i normally never check my e mail

i luckily found this few days ago

so how have you been

i'm in canada right now

toronto

i'll might be going to ny next month for few weeks

then i'm going back to korea to finish my univ

i miss you always

one day we can be together drinking wine or having something really nice

could be korea or state or any

until then ' take care

leave your ph number i'll call you
my mobile is 010 7287 7607

i'm using the skype""




mmm how cool would it be if i met up with him while he was in NY? mm

tomorrow is my day off, i'll prolly pick up thursday. I hope hope hope this week is better htan last week because it was so dead last week. I made 450 working 38 hours. I was hoping to make something like.... 600 last week, and that didn't exactly happen. so this week I"m keeping my fingers crossed for a busy week. Not letting any of the drama with the kitchen boys interfere. So tomorrow I think I am going kayaking again, this time to a diff place called chinaman's hat. I was supposed to go to taco tuesday with sarah but taco tuesday isnt that fun, there are too many people I could run into, but hopefully i'll be able to make ti to a movie with her still. Her friend jordan is coming too. such a sweetie, but another whore like all the guys I know.

gotta go get ready for work tonight. just woke up like an hour and a half ago i'm such a lazy ass

My dreams are so real with you in them

I dreamed that I had Jack back, we were laying on my bed I was laying on top of him, just touching his face and I could really feel his features. It looked just like him in every aspect, it was him in every way I was shocked. I knew it was a dream, but I kept telling him how real it felt, how much I wanted it to be real.

Things at work still suck. Now people know and things are just really screwed up now. John and I are still not speaking and him and Rynell are hanging out all the time now. She even goes to the bar upstairs with him after work. That is my hang out I can't go there and relax if she is there with him. She doesn't even drink. And I was beginning to forget why I was even mad at him. I am just disrespeted and I feel more and mroe like not talking to him is not getting my point acrossed. Brandon asked me the other day if he could stay the night "in my bed" because he let me stay at his place and i slept in his bed, it was only fair. i couldn't believe he said that at work. FINE ask to stay at my place its cool cuz we're friends. but don't fucking bring up who has slept in my bed etc etc. its no one elses business. As if everyone knowing I slept with John isn't bad enough, now everyone thinks I slept with Brandon too. And guess who dropped Brandon off at my place that night cuz he supposedly couldn't get back to the north shore that night. John. That is fucking lovely. This just gets better and better every god damned day.

but wait! no there is more! I went kayaking two days ago with my friend brandon, not the cook the one who brough me home from hooters the other night. he is way fun, older and not attractive, but very nice. trustable. I have poor judgement in people, but a lot of the hooters girls are close friends with him, so maybe their judgement is better than mine. Most of the time I just sat back and drank, and he did most of the paddling. It was fun though, we talked a lot and laughed and it was nice to have a nice day off for a change. then back to hooters hell yesterday.

It was Brandond's birthday and all the hooters people were upstairs at bikini's but Greg my bartender wasn't working so I just went up checked it out and left. Rynell was downstairs waiting for John to get off work and I wasn't gonna wait up for that mess. Fuck it. Brandon kitchen boy aparently took Leanne home with him the night after he stayed at my place trying desperately to hook up with me. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. i am surrounded by a bunch of dogs. and they wear these cute little puppy disguises. fuckers. this is so rediculous I don't know if I can be friends with any of these kitchen boys, the cons are beginning to seriously outweigh the pros.

ONly one month left then its off on a vacation with kristie. then when i come back john will be gone for good he is leaving on some adventure around the world. and brandon might as well be gone from hooters. this is good news.

This is what I thought, I thought you'd need me

I am furious with men right now, in general and only because of one. That would be Jack. All the things we had, all the things I did for him, I just always thought we would always be together. We haven't talked now for almost a year, and things still remind me of him, actually think about him all the time. Then I met john, and he was so like jack in a lot of ways, and I could see that he was innocent and good, and he was not like other guys because he didn't need attention from other girls. I really liked that, if there is one quality i seek out in guys it would be that they are confident in not needing other girls. John seemed so like Jack in that way, and he is a total stoner and kinda quirkey. I just really saw Jack in him, and I wanted to see that and feel that, and I let my guard down. It isnt't Johns fault I was weak, it was my fault, and it was Jack's fault. I will never get over that boy. But John is not like jack, John is not loyal, he is unattractive and I thought that would prevent him from being a target of affection of other girls. Apparently after we hooked up... like 2 days after we hooked up, he decided he didn't want to hang out with me anymore, he wants to hit on Rynell, a pretty good working buddy of mine. and not discretley either. Right in my face. Not a week after hooking up with me. I didn't expect the world, I totally didn't expect shit to come of our little thing, but to completely throw it back in my face, it is just TOTALLY DISRESPECTFUL. He can't do better than me, and it is stupid and immature of me to act like that but it's true, he had a good thing when I was giving him attention, I was sleeping with him! This may sound conceited but you don't throw that back in my face!! Especially if you are an unattractive kitchen boy at hooters!! jesus I make so much drama for myself it is rediculous. I work 6 nights a week this week, all but thursday, I wish I could work thurs instead of today and wednesday, they are such slow fuckin days I don't have enough time to work slow days!!

I got home from the bar pretty late like at 4, My friend one of my customers Brandon, not the kitchen brandon, gave me a ride home we ate pancakes at mac 24 and those were huuuuge pancakes. I had a lot of fun hanging out at the bar after work with byron, mike, greg the bartender, tiff, brandon (my customer) and some other guys, it was a good time. I wasn't talking to john or the kitchen boy brandon, it was so aggrivating. fucking dog piss- dammit. he makes me so mad.

Rynell called me later too, she left her walet at hooters so i ran downstairs and grabbed it. she said to give it to john because they were cruising together tomorrow. (today) oh thats lovely. one week after he comes back and hooks up with me. fucking lovely. i handed him the wallet and walked away and hes like wahts this i told him its rynells, she wants me to give it to you cuz youre gonna see her tomorrow. i glared at him. he laughs like haha oh you know about that? :) but he doesnt say that he just laughs a smug laugh and i turn my back. he walked away and i went over while he wasnt around anyone, i said waht youre doing is rude, and i dont like it. an went back to my seat. get the fucking picture. asshole.

honestly. i dont like men so much any more after this last couple of years. but I am excited to go home, I called my mom when I got home last night, at like 5 in the morning, we talked for a while, we are both excited for me to go home :). They moved someone into grams house and changed things all around, but we're still gonna scatter her ashes. dad moved into my room, so mom and him dont have to see eachother so much while hes home, so i'll prolly just sleep in moms room while i"m home. tracy's room is now a storage room, so things are pretty different around there now. I will be okay with this I think, it will be hard. I cried when I read the email, but I am coming to terms. anyways, not much of a hang over today lucky me, so i'm gonna hop in the shower and freshen up a lil bit

I won't take my stop I'll keep searching through the night

I had a weak moment, but I am mostly better now, everyone has days like that. Usually it doesn't last too long. I am thinking about getting rid of my bunny, who's gonna take care of him while i'm in costa rica and maine?? I don't know who to ask, maybe sarah... or briana if she hasn't moved into a new apartment yet.
I really need to make like 500 in the next couple day.. like 100 a night would be prime, I need to pay rent and elec and phone bill... and that is due soon. I am short cash now..that sucks. But I can make it up, I can work a double if I need to.
On friday I made 170 thats pretty good, but on saturday i only made 80 so I guess you never never know with hooters. things with the girls are coming around, we have a lot of new girls and now that katelyn is gone most of the drama associated with her and sean is gone too. sometime i get a lil but mostly its over now. just char and i think she might be coming around... never know with her either.
yesterday i walked around and visited a couple shops with sarah just for something to do before work. I made it to work an hour and 30 min early cuz i forgot we didnt have to go in until 6!! because it was the UFC fight. I made good tips on the tables I got though for the most part, I just could have used more tables towards the end of the night.
I was suppose to work at 12 today but kasia picked up that shift and i switchd her for the night shift, but i am guessing she is planning on pulling a double today. sundays are good nights becuae we have a band and loud music makes people stay longer and drink more.
Last night after work I went to the bar above hooters, bikini's cuz greg my bartender was working and he lets me drink even though he knows im not 21. I met Jose n his friend up there, hes a regular at hooters. he was wasted since the ufc fight i really don'tknow how he made it until 12:30 but he did, what a trooper! I had a capt and coke and talked to some of the hooters people then had to hit the road, I was mopeding and it was starting to rain. as i was sitting at the bar waiting to pay I saw, low and behold.... SHANNON RYAN. this is huge. shannon is warren's ex girlfriend before me. the one he would not give up to save our relationship for, the one he lied about still hanging out with.. it was a lot of trouble. but afterhe and i broke up for good i wrote to her and apologized for the harrassing phone call that one night, and just said that i feel really bad for the way I acted towards her, and she was really mature about it and really really sweet which she didnt need to be. so ther i am sitting at the bar next to this girl who doesnt even notice me at yet, and i'm like woah man tha is fucking ironic. she got her drink and walked away, i paid and then went ove to her and introduced myself to her. it was weird but she was nice and i was nice. she really is not pretyt. not just not pretty she is flat out ugly. I was shocked. and she can only be like95 lbs mabe less... much much too skinny and her face looks like it was smashed in by something... very unattractive. her boyfriend on the other hand is absoutely gorgeous!! i was shocked. he is very good looking. we were veyr nice and i hugged her and we talked for like 3 minutes then i hheaded on my way. I couldnt wait to get home and tell jessica this adventure. too bad i'm not talking to warren so much anymore. he didnt call the whole time he was visiting that girl in lousiana so i assume that was very fun. now he is calling cuz hes back and i'm not answering. tough love bitch.

What life, what do you want??

Crazy crazy dreams recently. I thought they were over. It is stress its always stress. I don't know why though. maybe.. Stress about going back towork and not being good enough, stress about not having enough money for my trips I need to book now, stress about not making rent and about not having done the right things. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten a moped now, maybe I can't afford it, I shouldn't have taken such a long time off from work, I might not be able to come back in July after my trip home, what if I lose my job? What if I don't have the money I need when I need it. I need to pay rent, my phone bill, electric bill, and green peace suckered me in to that fucking 20$ a month thing, I want to find out how to get out of that too. I don't have the money for this, and I am wasting my life sleeping because I feel so useless when I'm awake! My schedule is all messed up I can't get to sleep before like...3 or 4 an I"m not even drinking, I"m just sitting up like what the fuck... I wake up at like noon, and there goes most of my day, I don't feel like doing anything, I just want to sleep all the time, but Ihave the worst dreams! Last night I dreamed I was trapped in this like, house where I couldn't leave until I was dead or something. Some midget chased me down with a chain saw. I ranout of the house and this guy stopped me and i started fighting with him, and kicking and hitting him but it was like i couldn't hit him hard enough my limbs just werent working like I wanted them to,and it was so frustrating. I woke up in a huge panic and when I went back to sleep I dreamed aobut the same thing. I dreamed about Jack again too. every night now. hes usually not with in reach, I am either talking to him and he is totally distant, or he is not close enough to me to talk to, or he's a memory in a dream. I hate this. I hate sleeping and I hate being awake. I hate my rabbit and how much of my energy he demands even though he still hates me. I hate my friends for being shitty friends, and my body for getting fatter every day and my lack of motivation to do something about it. ihate my financial situation and my job. I have headaches every morning, what is wrong with life right now??????????????? I hate life right now. i want to get a new one. this week after fials has fucked with my clocks and my mind a lot. I need a schedule. or something but i dont know what. I want some genuine loving unmotivated unjudgemental affection and support.

I don't know why I feel this way, it hurts me the most

I don't think I ever walk away from a situation and think yeah that went really well. If I do it is not often. I usually think man I made an ass of myself or I don't think these people really like me. That is sad and pathetic, but I realize it. I think people aren't usually laughing with me.... even though I'm laughing too, it still isn't with me. I feel like they are just looking at me not listening to me. I start worrying about all the things I do and say. I feel like I just don't belong in these situations. I just don't want to be apart of them. I am socially akward. I fight it but I just am. I don't know what people usually do, I don't know how to act like them. I am just different and I guess it stands out in an unusual way. Not so much in a good way. So this wasn't much of a wise and deep post, its kinda sad and stupid. But its how I feel and that suckes right now. I only have a few girlfriends but I still feel like I'm the friend everyone hates to see coming, even though I don't even hang out with people in groups any more. That is probably why in a "group" of like 3 or more I am so socially inept, I just like it better one on one. I don't feel like I have to play one person against the other. Ugh. Tonight was fun but I just walk away thinking, wtf. Why didn't that go as smoothly as I thougth it was going to?? Am I trying too much? laughing too much? Trying to make a specific impression and it never goes right? yeh. I feel like at this rate I"m going to lose everyone I have here. I don't even really see Briana anymore, and we were getting prety close! Kristie went home for the summer and I only see sarah, and what's gonna happen to me when she gets sick of me? Even I'm getting sick of me.

maybe everyone feels like this, no one just wants to admit it. I hope so. I am admitting it. How embarrassing..............................

I hope this gets back to Jesus

It's been awhile since I blogged, I had some stuff going on, but now I'm a pretty clean slate. School was over on Friday, I had my last final. I started back at hooters on Monday, now I'm working Friday Saturday and Sunday. Monday was a bad starter day. I only made 45$ but i didn't get a table until almost 7 and then I got cut at like 930. I got a moped today, that was the highlight of my week. It was 650, it works so far so good. I got my grades today too, but I checked them last night at midnight, cuz I was too excited. I worked really hard this semester, especially after I left hooters a month ago, I put everything into my grades. I got 3A's and a B in bar and restaurant management. For the semester my gpa was a 3.75 buuut it only brought my cumulative grade up to 3.16. boo. But I dropped my summer course cuz I"m gonna be set back for another year just in graining residency, so what is one class gonna do to me? I'm just going to work full time, and I might get another job for the am cuz i am not really doing anything with my morning now and I feel so lazy waking up at noon... So far since school got out I have worked one day, and spent the rest of my time worrying about not working and watching the whole first season of 24. i have wasted 12 hours straight on that and I can't wait to waste another 12 hours the rest of this week. I am not going to rio, that is the firm decision. Still trying to arrange a trip to Costa Rica with Kristie for July 15-23. I'll arrange a week to maien around that trip too, prolly from the 11/12 to the 25. hopefully work understands....idno if they will.

Its the path you take not the destination you seek

Time feels like its going so slowly, things will never change, then I look back and realize things are so different and its changed so fast, nothing will ever be the same. I wonder am I ever going to be satisfied with what i have? Is satisfaction just settling? Am I never satisfied because I am never settling, and is that a good thing? Don't settle for good, set your expectations high and reach for great. But are those people reaching for great ever happy when life is just good? I want to be happy, I want to be satisfied with where I am and who I am. Love who you are, but don't settle. I always want to change, I always want what is better what is next what is coming for me. That is such a clash of interests. I can't reach for the stars and keep my feet on the ground. Moving forward and moving up are different, and moving up is improving what you have, and moving forward is changing what you have, it's living and doing what you do. Today I just had the worst ache for Maine that I have felt in a long time. I feel sort of like I have extinguished my resources of friends, and I ache for Jack, Mom, Gram, and Tracy and Kaj and what I had, I almost even miss megan. Of course this is rediculous, and I can't go back and Jack is not moving on or moving up, he is moving down and back. Had I been a weaker person he could have convinced me to stay in Maine, live in his shack of a house next to the garage he constructs motorcycles in, and just work at a store and have babies. Talking to mom made this clear, and talking to her is such a reality check. I may not know why I'm on this road now, but when it all comes together I will realize I was on the right road the whole time, I took the right path and I didn't miss out on a thing. I feel like school will never end for me, it just keeps coming, and passing, slowly, and I'm never moving forward, then I look back and my past year is a blur. I can't believe how things have changed for me. Things will never change in an instant, but every instant is a change, so subtle I don't feel it, but so drastic these days I can hardly handle the difference when I look back. Funny how that is, and I think if I could give anyone some advice, I don't know who would want my advice, but I feel like I'm somewhat wiser than most 20 year olds, I would say you can wake up early and play all day until the sun goes down, because these days will never be made up. Life is what you lose planning your future. I can't get back what I left in Maine, things are different and most of the people there are gone, so when I go back to Maine the best thing for me to do is make a new path. I should meet all the people Tracy knows from school, and make new friends, and go to new places. Bring new people home with me and make new memories. I can't stand change sometimes, and it is all I wish for all the time. My life is just such a fucking contradiction sometimes, it is no wonder I am never happy with what I have, all that I strive for I am dissapointed in when it leads to the loss of what I had but wanted to lose. I would drive faster down this road if I could, but I will stop at as many places as I can and enjoy the view. This road is flat but winding. I guess if that doesn't make sense it will someday. When you look back on life and all you see is the last corner you turned you're gonna realize you went through the motions way too fast. I think I should take caution of this now, and be excited for everthing outside the windows, not just look forward to every turn in the road. I'm so happy I talked to mom and tracy today. It is really funny what you miss when you leave. I miss the cold rain,the grey skies, the puddles in the drive way and the melting dirty snow, and kissing him goodbye when I thought that was the worst feeling in the world, I would relive that in a heart beat, just to cry and say goodbye and feel that sadness again. You miss even the bad when you realize you never really appreciated the good.

two more weeks

I went to Hooters yesterday to see Nikki and some of the other girls, but mostly Nikki and Kim was there too. I saw Britt O and Dylan leaving and talked to them, Dylan said she heard I had gotten fired, and Britt said she heard I was taking some time off. I told them nope wasn't fired as far as i knew... and told them why i had taken some time off, and then that I was probably going to come back in a couple weeks or maybe a month. Sweet girls. I was happy to be there not working, how weird that feels. John, one of my fav cooks was there, and hooked me up with like 25$ worth of free food yay, love him. Amber, the manager, pulled me aside and asked, real sincere like, are you okay?? Yeah I'm ok, (really are you asking me this like you care) amber is a bitch. but i think she was being genuine. she asked when I could come back and that she hadn't taken me off the schedule, she just hadn't scheduled me, so when should she start putting me back on. I said like how about in 2 weeks, things are still ya know... getting there. Sure, just call and i'll be back on the schedule. That is good, unless I"m hostessing, then I'll be like fuck ya'll i'm outta here. But I think that was really understanding of them, and I thanked her for doing this for me. Sure no prob she said, glad I was doing okay. Well at least I don't have to worry about themoney running out and then worrying about another job. This summer I think things will pick up a lot and I'll make good money.

Jess and I got into another argument yesterday, she is just getting on my nerves so much now that i"m home all the time. Yeah i make stupid mistakes and that is dumb, but she is so anal about all the other shit too that is like, you do the same shit, so I don't wanna hear you bitch at me that all the lights are on... You girls do that all the time. I'm only half guilty. She points out everything and says she feels like my mother rah rah rah, i'm like thats cuzyou wanna feel like the mother, you take it upon yourself, and you do the same shit we do, we just don't get on your case about it all the time. Only if it is a real problem do i ever say anything or if I"m trying to make a point that I'm not the only one that fucks up around here, will I ever say anything. She apologized later like she always does, and I apologized for leaving the lights on and the door unlocked for like 3 hours yesterday. oops.

dana, the girl who is staying with jessica right now is leaving next month, so i'll have to go bak to paying the extra 100 i was paying for rent before she got here, but its okay because I will be working again by then. It was a nice little vacation, and I liked having Dana around, but its not easy living 3 girls all together. There are bound to be problems. And jessica being soo overly anal, and dana being sooo overly messy and lazy makes some problems. Jess said last night, you are so different now. You changed a lot. since the incident. (yeah crazy huh, rape can really change someone, go fucking figure. ) thats exactly what i told her too. you gotta be more specific jess, how am i different and how do you want me to change? i'm sure i'll be better someday, but right now thats how i am, its how i'm coping, and you're just gonna have to understand that.

I am taking a summer class, and I need to sign up before it's too late! I need to sign up for a fall class too. I'm not sure what to take, but something with a lab because its better to get those outta the way when I'm only taking one class and can focus completely on that. they say they're really hard. maybe intro to nutrition summer, bio 171 and lab in the fall and physiology and anatomy in the spring or vise versa. Thos are the hard ones people fail the most. eww.

i got a friday night class coming up in like an hour, i gotta do the dishes before jess comes home, clean the bunny, and pick up some food for our pot luck for this psych class. bettter get on that!!

Happy in hues

I have been busy but not stressed because I am not working right now. I am actually well off, I have enough for another month of this living as long as I can say goodbye to any trips I might have taken this summer. I guess I am okay with this. I'm sad my Rio trip fell through, but I am relieved I am on some sort of path. Wandering is nice, but only for so long. I have a supposed major, and a plan, and I'm focusing mostly on school which is something I haven't done since I started college. I have a friend base that is working out pretty good, mostly because it isn't a group of girls, it's a smattering of some from other areas, work, different classes, etc. It is better to hang out one on one, not in a group, its just too much competition, and girls love to fuck eachother over in groups. I have been seeing a lot of Sarah, who just turned 21 yesterday- woo! Briana from work but not much this last week, cuz of finals and she is working and all, Kristie who I went shark cage diving with last weekend. I see Chassis around sometimes, and I talked to Kim from work the other day but those 3 girls are the ones I usually see in my free time. I met a student from UH, Dan last week adn have been hanging out with him pretty regularly. He is nice. That is it, he is nice. not my type. I went to Bellows for his friends birthday last Saturday, then Sunday he came over for a while and watched tv, and yesterday I went to his place for tacos and hung out for a little while. It's too much and he's just too nice. I might do something with him tomorrow since I don't have classes or work. We might go to the beach.

I feel like boys are a little hopeless, and I am not bothering with them much any more. I keep wondering if I should write to brad, maybe try and talk to him. I know how it will turn out, no matter what I say, this will mean he "won" because I came to him to mend a friendship that sucked more than you know. I don't know why it bothers me so much, I guess because I tried so hard and those few and far between glimpses of a good person were what kept me coming back, thinking that it was worth it. It is straight up pathetic female insecurity that would make me do this. sad sad pathetic and intolerable female insecurity. I want that touch to feel like I am something to someone. This is such a difficult realization and I am glad for myself that I stood up to someone for once. I didn't let him have his last evil rotten words when he wanted to talk to me to return my bike. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction... and that this bothered him is my own small feat. He doesn't deserve to know how I feel and how much he got to me. He knows he hurt me so much that day he walked away, and then that I let him go really pisses him off. What he did when he walked away was beyond forgiveable. He took a bad situation and turned it around so it all fell on me. Not only did he duck out under the table, but he lifted the whole table and dumped all the contents on me, and said he had been through enough. How could I ask him to be a friend to me in this, after all he had been through, I am so immature.

I didn't ask for any of this, and even though I don't need to talk about it all the time, and I don't cry all the time, I still am picking up the pieces and putting them back in place. This is all going to take a lot longer than I imagined. This whole fucked up situation is going to come together for me, and I will be over with it, but its gonna take a whole lotta time, distractions, and pissing hatred once in a while. and probably a lot of chocolate. Get angry. Sadness and confusion aren't going to get me anywhere. My problem is I am angry then sad, instead of the other way around. Now I am sad adn confused and I want to fix this. Angry is when I just wanted revenge. I can't fix this though an the only thing I can do is get over it. I am really good at avoidance, this is why I tend to dislike staying in one place for too long. It's not that I'm runing from anything, because these things aren't chasing me. it is good to walk away from a bad situation, it is bad to run away from your problems. look at it how ever you want, half full half empty, its how i deal with things. don't judge.

Aside from this bucket of shit I call my love life, I am getting my shit together and I am planning on applying for jobs in the upcomeing weeks. After I spend my energy these next few weeks getting ready for finals. I am probably ready to go back to work, adn I've had a lot of time to spend making new amazing memories, and going to places I haven't been before. It was worth it, I needed a semi vacation. Even school work isntead of work work is vacation to me. I am happy usually. I am confused and tainted, but I can look past that usually and I think even if I don't win it all, at least I"m not losing. I got love and it comes and it goes, and i love what I have right now, it is enough. my support, my friends, my memories, my hopes, my goals, my ambitions. I have me not matter how much the rest of humanity lets me down. I would say i'm happy now, happy in hues.