a rollercoaster in my brain and through my heart

Yesterday wasn't such a bad day. I went to the movies with Sarah, and I held it together pretty good. I called Drew to return my bike, and he actually called me back. Drew is Brad's best friend, but who knows. I hope I get my bike back eventually not like I use it much but if I don't ask now I'll never see it again. Last night was okay and I went to sleep early, hoping I would wake up early and get something done. I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night, probably because I took like a four hour nap before the movie. But I had some dreams when I finally went to sleep. I was hiking wtih some friends, and Brad and Drew. It was like a good, normal day, and everything felt fine. Then I went kayaking and then I had to get to work and I thougth I was going to be late. I woke up and everythig was not normal, and everything was fucked up and it all felt awful and I just cried all morning. I didn't have classes today which I guess is good since I wouldn't have been able to make it anyways. I made an appointmnt with the crisis counselor and actually kept it. It was right across the street from the Aloha Towers so I stopped in there and talked to Dave first. I didn't need to do much talking, this doctors note from the emergency room and the police case number with the sexual assault file does most of the talking for me. I jsut hand it over and said i'm sorry, i don't know if I can work here any more. He said just call when you feel like you can come back to work. That went a lot smoother than I thought it was going to.
i jsut woke up from a nap, now i hope i can get to bed tonight, thats the worst, not being able to sleep and bein all alone. i am gonna go grab a salad cuz i feel like eating and all i've had to day is like one serving of cheetos and a bowl of cereal. not too bad but i like food and i dont usually consume less than like 1500 calories. nothing sounds good and actually eating seems gross, but i'll go do it. salad is nice.

I got troubles, but they gonna wash away, they're gonna wash away...

This has been a bitch. It comes and goes, and I am holding myself together. Sometimes things hit me really hard. Brad refused to answer my phone calls and told me to "quit" "quit" "stop calling me" "i think I've been through enough" I was shocked, I don't know why he did this because he was the one who made me go to the hospital, and went with me and was distant but supportive. That hurt me a lot. I don't know why he's doing this. After all that ordeal he just brushes me off. I talked to my cousin Leanne and that was so helpful. I just sat outside a lot today and cried, I didn't wanna be home I didn't wanna be anywhere. My friend Briana came down from the other side of the island to be with me, then I just stayed with jess all day. Everyone's got their advice, sometimes that is just more depressing. Jessica called the crisis hotline and got me a number of a counselor and told me to at least call them tomorrow. I didn't go to school yesterday or today but my doc note is only for 2 days. I don't work until Thursday. I might take a leave of absence but its getting to the last month and I can't take much time off. I need to stay focused but its hard. I tried sitting down and doing some homework today but I can't I can't think about really anything. I can't eat but I didn't have trouble sleeping last night... I don't know how tonight is going to go. I spent 6.5 hours in the er yesterday too so that might have been something. Today was sad though. I dropped the charges, I lost Brad, and I got a sunburn. I can't let myself crumble, it might take a few weeks but I will be able to smile again, I know I am stronger than these people holding me back. Most of my friends have been really understanding.

That was out of line

that was out of line, but it felt very good. And after I wrote that, I really felt like I had gotten it all out. I meditated on why people feel like they need to act certain ways, and why I feel threatened by other peoples actions. I meditated for almost an hour on it, and I came to the conclusion that all these emotions, I hate them because I understand them them and I understand them because I have felt them. that we are all doing the same things and feeling the same things, at different times and for different reasons, and all these waves of feelings, thats all we are, coming at different times, then passing on. That these people are me, and I am these people, and we are not I and You and Them, and Us, we are just people, all just like eachother, all a piece of eachother. I cannot be me, and You are not you with out someone else being Them. So these people are me in a sense, and this way I can feel no negative emotion towards these people, when I look at it like this. We are all just feeling and reacting, and I have a profound sense of compassion for people after last night. I will probably not let myself be put into a situation liek this again by Brad, but I won't hurt him and I don't want to tell him this I know he won't understand, he will get offensive, and that part of me I would avoid. I don't love all the things about me, and that is why i don't love all the things that other people do. Not everyone will love me but not everyone will dislike me too. I have to be happy with that which I find within myself and other people alike. I don't need to put myself in situations where I will act in a way I do not aprove of, and in a similar sense I don't have to put myself in a situation where other people will feel the need to act in a sense that will cause negativity. Being around Brad causes him to feel threatened in a way, and me as well. This is a situation we can both avoid, even though he won't realize this right away, and will want to blame me or maybe even himself.

Now I need to go to work adn maek money cuz I might be getting a car. Still wondering if that is a good idea or not, because it might mean sacraficing my trip to Rio.

THIS IS A VENT.

BEWARE. THIS IS ME, PISSED, AND VENTING. MEN SUCK. ACTUALLY PEOPLE SUCK. GIRLS WHO ARE STUCK UP, GIRLS WHO ARE JUDGEMENTAL, GIRLS WHO ARE COMPETATIVE, THEY ALL SUCK. I'M NOT SO COMPETATIVE, I'M NOT THAT GREAT LOOKING, I GET RED IN THE FACE, MY HAIR GETS FRIZZY WHEN IT RAINS, MY MAKEUP LOOKS LIKE SHIT AFTER 5 HOURS, I AM NOT ATHLETIC, I AM NOT A GOOD SINGER, I AM NOT VERY SMART, AND I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO PRETEND THAT I AM ANY BETTER THAN THIS, SO FOR GODS SAKE JUST LET ME FUCKING BE. AND FOR BRAD. WHAT A DICK. AM I SERIOUS. I AM STRONG. I DON'T REALLY LIKE TO BE ABUSED. I JUST JOKE AROUND ABOUT IT. I REALLY DIDNT THINK PEOPLE SO RUDE AND SOOO SELF CENTERED. I MUST BE OUT OF MY MIND BUT I DON'T REALLY THINK I DESERVE THIS AT ALL. I DON'T HAVE TO BE WITH SOMEONE IF THAT SOMEONE THINKS THEY CAN WALK ALL OVER ME, AND I'LL COME BACK EVERY TIME THEY SAY HEY, I LIKE YOU A LOT. FUCK YOU AND LIKING ME, YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT WHAT LIKING ANYONE FEELS LIKE CUZ YOU DON'T LIKE ANYONE YOU JUST TRY ALL THE TIME TO COVER YOUR OWN ASS AND TREAT EVERYONE LIKE SHIT SO YOU DONT FUCKING GET HURT. I AM NOT OUT TO HURT ANYONE, AND THIS IS REDICULOUS. THIS IS JUST FUCKING R-E-D-I-C-U-L-U-O-U-S WITH AN EMPHASIS ON FUCKING... AND REDICULOUS. JESUS CHRIST. I'M SICK OF IT. I'M SICK OF DUMB BOYS WHO THINK THEY ARE HOT SHIT. YOU AINT. YOU SUCK. AND YOU HAVE AN EGO PROBLEM. GOOD, A LOT OF GIRLS WILL FUCK YOU. GO FUCK THEM, THAT IS GOOD, WANT A FUCKING HI FIVE?? NO GO FUCK YOURSELF I'M NOT ONE OF HTOSE GIRLS. I WOULD RATHER EAT PUSSY THAN SUCK YOUR DICK YOU POMPOUS BASTARD. AND I THINK I WILL, CUZ FROM NOW ON FUCK GUYS, I GOT MY CHICKS AND I'M FUCKING HAPPY WITH THEM. IM NOT GONNA DO SHIT FOR GUYS, AND I'M NOT TRYING TO IMPRESS ANY PRISSY SNOTTY AMBERCROMBIE SPORTING BITCHES. SUCK MY CLIT AND I'M FINISHED. I'M GOING TO BED. I'M PISSED, I'M PMS'ING AND I'M ALL BROKEN OUT AND I AHVE TO FUCKING WORK TOMORROW CUZ I'M FUCKING BROKE. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I'LL BE BACK IN A WEEK BUT DON'T COME FUCKING NEAR ME UNTIL THEN CUZ I'M READY TO FUCKING KILL SOMEONE, AND HIS NAME IS PROBABLY BRADLEY CAMERON SIMMONS, THAT GAY FUCK.

Tuck and roll

Its friday! That means I have a ton of plans and abso-fucking-lutely no motivation to go out and do any of them, even though they are great plans with some of my favorite people. I always feel like, oh yeah, I"m ready for this day off late night drinking, then I have my 3 hour death and dying class, and like clock work, I will be so exhausted I'll just want to come home and sleep. But my plan, should it work out, is to go to class, get out at around 6 and go straight to the baseball game and meet up with kristie and chassis there, and maybe briana and hope will come to but they aren't sure. Hope wanted me to go to a party with her for a friend that is leaving, but its going to be a bunch of marines, and hope who is for sure going to ditch me as soon as we get there, and I would realy rather spend some time with the girls at the game instead. Matt and I were going to go play glow in the dark mini golf tonight, which we've been planning on doing for a week now and just keep putting it off and putting it off, and once more we're putting it off. He has a friend in town who leaves sunday, so he wants to go sunday night, but I'm working sunday night. My friend is seling her car really cheap and I am going to get it, but she wants the money like... now. So that is 1200 I need... um now, and I just haven't been putting in enough hours to take another day off! I would like to though, work has been so damn slow it hasn't really been worth the 3$ nylons I hvae to buy before work anyways!! But good news is FINALLY HERE! Katelyn, the bartender I got into a huge fight with (because one night I got drunk and bit her bf on the neck at a bar and rah rah, didn't remember doing it like 5 minutes later, it wasnt sexual or anything, but it left a mark so she freaked out and called me a whore and a bitch and disrespectful, and all this shit right in the middle of the restaurant the next day...) anyways she is quitting. this happened like a month ago and it has been hella tense every time i go in to work. Her and her boyfriend both work at hooters, he is a cook, and he too put in his two weeks notice. I'm so happy. Now that bitchy manager steph is gone, and katelyn is leaving, most of the people there who focus on making my life miserable will be...gone!! yay! I'm still looking for something else though, but I'm dreading so much having to hostess again for who knows how long, then training again, and above all, an interview. I really don't like them so much. Oh and waiting 3-4 weeks for my first paycheck. Especially if I buy a car I'll be low on money and don't wanna get myself in trouble or something... So I'll buy the car, save up some moeny and stay at hooters probably at least for another month. Now that everyone is quitting, I don't think they will fire me for something stupid because they are just relly low on girls right now. I know it will buy me at least a month or so.

Worked yesterday and made only 45$ take home tips. then 7 hourly but w/e that doesnt ever amount to much! It wasn't a bad night though, Briana worked with me and Kat was working and the 5 tables I had were all really nice. Trivia night at hooters just isn't bringing em in like it used to though! I got home at like 11 and watched requiem for a dream, which is the saddest movie EVER!! omg!! and did some hw, went to bed at like 2. Woke up late got to class at 930 and realized i didn't have any of the stuff I stayed up last night doing, and it was due the next class. so i left, skipped korean my first class and took the bus 30 minutes back to waikiki from campus, grabbed my hw and notebook, 30 min back to campus, went to my bar and restaurant management class and handed in the hw, then met up with kristie for lunch. then back to waikiki 30 minutes bus ride, now i'm sitting here, doing nothing, and gotta get back on the bus in like 15 to get to class in 45 minutes!! I love it. But at least this 100$ bus pass for the semester is really really REALLY paying off. sure as hell is cheaper than gas. I did get bunny cleaned and did the dishes from last night, so I accomplished something! I wanted to go to the gym but there's that lack of motivation thing...

well, I just ate another bowl of cereal and now its to the bus and back to school for me! loves!
ps maybe hanging out with brad tonight, but totally takin the open relationship thing into account. i'm only treatin him as good as he wants to treat me, for damn sure. love you rose baby, you are the best. xoxoxoxoxo**

Sing your heart out, its not good but it won't kill them.

Ok I am a liar! Brad kissed a girl when he went home and I told him I didn't kiss anyone or do anything while he was gone, but I kissed Matt, and me and Warren were even talking about getting back together... and with Brad I just never know if he just wants to be friends or if he wants more than that... so I'm generally keeping my options open. But he came home last night and I stayed the night with him at his place I was so nervous to see him!! He said he wanted me to be just his, and he always thinks that, he just doesn't want to limit his options to just me, and he needs to be ablet to come and go as he pleases. It was like going to an interview, I wanted to hug him and kiss him, but he is not the type of person who you really know what is coming, I didn't know if he was going to be sweet and sensitive Brad or nasty mean Brad. I got a lot of the sweet Brad which always makes me wonder, maybe he just is very scared he is going to get hurt and is just trying to protect himself. But I have to protect myself too, and I keep him at a distance because I am really scared of what side of him he is going to present. He even admitted he had been really mean to me before he left, and he was nicer now but I was so distant with him he said he should just go back to being mean to me. I really like it when he isn't but I try and stick it out through those times because I'm sure the nice Brad will come back around eventually... All the dumb stuff he said I just like, what ever you say I don't care if you are gonna be rude cuz I know you're just saying that to get at me, and you can't. It was better after his friend Drew left cuz we could talk about the things we wanted to, like about us. I told him I had been spending time with matt, but it wasn't anything, Matt likes all girls he isn't just interested in me and it didn't mean shit that we were hanging out. I really feel like this because Matt is such a player, and he's really good looking he's got a lot of girls he hangs out with like that... so I felt like I was justified in hanging out with him since it didn't mean anything at all and nothing will ever come of it. I told him Matt had never tried to hit on me or kiss me, but of course I would say that, Brad would never trust me again if he thougth I wasn't completely loyal to him while he was gone. It seemed sometimes that he didn't even want to see me when he got back, and maybe he doesn't, he just needed to get laid. The sex was really good, I do kind of think he got some when he wnt home because he had a lot of fuck buddies in Ohio and everyone wanted to do their part to help him feel better... so I am pretty sure he did, but I asked and he said straight up he did not, so he might be a good liar. He is so jealous and so hurtful sometimes, I want him to be straight with me and if he could get past the trust part I think he would be sweet and sincere and sensitive all the time... but he might just be putting that on becuse he knows that is what I want to see, I believe that and I will fuck him if he acts like he wants to be with me. Guys are like that, and that is the worst kind, so I'm so scared of that happening to me, it tends to happen a lot out here in Hawaii because no one seems to regard people as real people, they are just pit stops on this way to a better place. So this is such a vent, and anyways, I know I know get a newone who is good to you, but I'm just trying to work with what I got untl that someone comes along.

Today was supposed to be another great beach day but it is raining a lot so I am stuck inside, but I'm spending some quiality time with my bunny who is sooo smart!! it comes when I call it sometimes.. and I am trying to teach it to just pee on the newspaper under the coffee table.. I htink he'll learn he's pretty quick.

I've totaly up and left my "girlies" the L's, Laura, and Laurel. they are just off in their own little world, hanging out with their new roommate, who they think is just the best ever. I have come to realize a lot this year, and one is that people come and go allt he time, they are just temporary. I can't hold on to everyone, so I am just going to make the most of who ever is in my life at the moment and if they or I should move on and find another path or other things that occupy my time, so be it, they can always come back if they find they want to, and I'll be there with open arms and an open invite... Its not the end its just not in the works for right now. You don't lose people you just lose contact with them sometimes. ... unless they die, then you lose people but same idea, no one is forever, all of this is all temporary anyways. I am glad that some people I've been able to keep in contact with, and I"m really not the best at keeping up with other people's lives... rose... dearest.. but we have held on through a lot and the fact that we still love eachotehr despite not seeing eachother for so long, and understanding all the distance and space between us, we know in our hearts we will be togther again, we arejust making it easier to catch up when that time comes along. The L's are so immature somtimes, making it seem like if I am not there for them when ever they want to do something, that it is the end of the world. What they expect of people is rediculous, and Laura set me up to forget her birthday. I barely remember my own birthday, let alone my sister's bday..haha and then made a huge deal out of it saying I should just have remembered, when no one told me what day it was exactly, what anyones plans were, or anything! So if they want to do this silly little petty tiff over something so easily avoided -fine. She didn't have to put me in that situation, and then tell me she was over it, us being friends, over this! I can't handle their bullshit sometimes. Its petty really. I'v been bouncing around friends like crazy. Kat from work, that was pretty short lived... I think I get tired of people easily maybe... Hung out with Sarah a lot, Laura's old roommate, and she is fun for the time being but I wouldn't expect her to be there if I realy needed something. I have Jess and my family for that. Even warren I can count on to be there for me if I am down, but not so much my friends. I just don't have so many friends out here, a lotta acquaintances I guess, not that its a bad thing. You can't keep people on a leash, they do what they want and what they need to do for themselves, so let them have that. I trust a few people, I trust you rose, I trust warren forthe most part, I trust Jess and I trust my family, tracy and mom. I don't need a huge support group, that will do just fine for me.

anyways, its rainy, i'm bored and I'm gonna go watch a movie and do some homework. I am meeting Jess and some military guys and Matt at the Yardhouse later to talk about the army and the physical therapy program and all that jazz, might go into that for the physical therapy program because they would not send me to iraq or anything, if at all I would go to europe, and it would totally cover schooling to be a physical therapist back on the island after I came back. its just the reserves, so its not the full army or what not. I don't knwo that much about it actually I'll knwo more once I talk to these guys tonight. xoxoxox

Touch my heart softly

I was pretty sure Warren and I were gonna get back together, after the whole Brad thing, I know he treats me like shit, and Warren said he was going to change, he wasn't going to keep things from me, he was gonna be open with me and he really wanted to change he wanted things to be really good with us, and they were, they started getting so good we talked everydays a couple times a day. For a couple months, we started talking again in January, and in March we had decided we should get back together when he comes back to Hawaii this summer. At first I didn't want to see him at all, I just didn't want to knw he was coming back becuase I was so scared to see him, I didn't want to have feelings for him again and just be let down. That was when he told me how much he wanted to change and for us to get back together. So I really fell for that, I guess I had wanted to hear that for so long that I just ate it up. I wasn't hanging out with Brad as much and we were still hanging out some, like I saw him Saturday before Easter, and stayed the night at his place and we went to breakfast that morning. Then he got the phone call his mom was very very sick and he left that night for Ohio to be with her. He has been there for two weeks and is coming home on Tuesday. I don't know if he'll want to see me when he gets home or if he'll want to wait a few days and see all his friends first. That is waht is weird about Brad, he puts all his friends before me, like I'm not a friend at all. And he doesn't want to see me every day, just at his convenience. He is rude and kind of mean, and then he can just change all of a sudden and be all sweet and sensitive and i'm like, who do I believe. I think he is just fucking with me sometimes, and wants me to open up to him so I'll be more vulnerable to him. So he can just leave with out any attachments and be sure that I'm the one left with all the pieces. He has been hurt before and I think he doesn't really like women, he just wants to use them and leave them. Its what he does and I think he's not gonna change now just cuz he says he wants a relationship. I don't really think this is a relationship. He goes out all the time and hangs out with other girls and goes drinking all the time with Drew and hits on girls and tells them he doesnt have a girlfriend. But when I go out drinking I am suppose to tell guys I have a boyfriend. If we were in a relationship I would expect a lot more, like at least a phonecall ever day, he does live right down the street he could come see me every day, but doesn't wanna see me every day. I am busy and he is busy and I will try and make time for him and he doesnt want to for me because he thinks I should spend more time with other people, like he wants to do with his friends. I just am not like that, in a relationship that person is pretty special and they get treated specially. Just like him not wanting to see me on my birthday and getting wasted 4 blocks from my house, then not showing up until 10 even tho i ssaid i wanted to see him all day... and saying if he had known I was going to get mad about it he wouldn't even have answered my phone calls and not seen me at all that day. Ok so over all Brad is the shittiest boyfriend ever, and we are not actually together since I"m looking always for something better. But I thought Warren was for real, that he meant what he said, and that really gave me a lot of hope and security. I felt like I didn't have to worry about what Brad did, because better was on his way. Then I didn't hear from Warren much over spring break, and I was kinda busy too with work and with beaching, and I met this guy Matt who was way cute but turns out to be a total whore. so when I did hear from him he says he's had company there and been really busy, and he went to san fran and that was a lotta fun, he went to a museum and that was a lotta fun... then a coupel days later I see some girl Megan has tagged Warren in like 11 pictures, all of her and him all snuggled up together on the beach at sunset and arms around eachother at Tahoe, all the places we had gone togehter, and I was so hurt by that and really confused cuz he had done that again, just what he said he wasn't going to do. This was not being so honest and so open with me, and I was pretty shocked.... So I wrote to him how stupid I felt faling for him again and believing him, and how him and megan looked pretty cozy and all. He wrote back there was nothing goin on with him and Megan and that he still cares about me and hoped he hadn't ruined all we had worked towards. At first I wasn't mad at all, I was just shocked and taken aback, but as I thought about it more I became more and more angry... and anyways we talked about ti for a long time but didn't come to any real conclusions, and I just know he will never change, he will always be that little boy who wants everything, gotta have his cake and eat it too. what a dumb saying, of course if you have cake you're gonna eat it... but he wants his cake and icecream on the same plate. now thas a better saying!! no one go and take that bitches!! yeah so I feel way different about him, really let down and dissapointed and I once again just don't think I could ever feel comfortable around him, I know he is always going to do dumb things like that and they are gonna make me not ever trust him. so many other girls want him and he doesn't see that at all, hes like really they are just my friends. Well are they gonna be there when you have a girlfriend?? no? were they there before , when you did have a girlfriend?? no? so why are they just friends, why arent they ever around when you arent single?? they want you and you are jus too stupid to see that. I can't stand that. He needs to smarten up for sure. Anyways we talked for a long time on Friday before my psych class, then for a hwile friday night but hewas really drunk so i'm not sure how much of that conversation he remembers. But I know what I am doing and what I have to do, but I was just a little hurt by that this week. and this weekend was pretty shitty cuz I didn't get to the beach at all and was relaly sick. Then had to work Saturday night and got out really late. Today I was helllllla sick and went to the doctors he said it could be strep but doesnt look like it but gave me a 3 day doc note anyways. It could be worse, Now I can get all my homework done for this week, I have a lot of projects to do, at least one for every class. Korean bookwork, a storyline for my creative media class, a 10 page fnal project in psych class, and we just taped our korean video today since I didn't have to work. anyways, I am off work now so I should go do something productive, like I'll clean my bunny's cage, and get some hw done. I'm craving udon noodles too, I'll go get some in a lil bit maybe Hope will come down and meet me. She is an ex hooters girl. Shes full of drama and shit but she is fun to hang out with and get some food with, and her drama makes me not think about mine at least. Shes going through a divorce right now, and she's seeing this marine chris who I htink is off his rocker but hes a nice guy anyways. I"ll go call her now and see bout getting some chow. Then bunny, then hw. Laters yall.

Welcome, me!

Oh boy another blog! I had a pretty well kept blog on myspace but too many people I know and write about have myspace, so this is more personal, well its more just for Rose and myself. I blog a lot about useless shit, like how much i hate my job, and dumb boys are, and they really, really are, and about my traveling dreams and how I am doing in school. Also you'll hear all the dumb stuff like what days I go to the beach, what days I see so and so, the bad fights with my roommate, the stuff I wanna say but can't say around everyone ya know? And I have a lot to catch up on because I stopped blogging on myspace a while ago.

Originally from Maine, moved to Hawaii a year and 4 months ago to go to UH, I worked all over for short periods of time, now I'm working at Hooters and I've been there for almost 8 months... that is a damn long time, that's almost the longest job I've ever had!! And I'm pretty ready to move on actually, find something closer to Waikiki where I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my own room and a pretty cool roommate and her friend Dana who is staying with us for a little while. Usually we get along really well, like sisters not best friends and it works out well for us. Somedays she freaks out and just goes off the deep end, those days are bad for me and that scares me sometimes, but she doesn't do it very often. I'm really ready for summer and ready to do some serious chow down, jesus is back in town, traveling. I have plans to go back to Maine for a couple weeks, then fly down with my sister to Rio De Janerio to visit a friend of hers. It isn't in the books but I really want to go to England and see a guy there who I've known for a long ass time but who I just recently started seriously hanging out with over Christmas break. Not that England is very exciting, but I have never been and I would love to see Europe. Australia of course but outside of the box I will someday visit as many South American countries as I can and as many African countris as I can, and hopefully I will visit India and Indonesia, and Thailand, and Vietnam, places most people don't put on their vacation wish list. So I love to travel, and I love to read, and I love to walk around and watch other people walking around. I love the beach and the ocean and I plan on getting my scubadiving cert, as many as I can cuz i wanna do all kinds of scuba diving, all over the world!! I want to get my A license for sky diving, but its costs about 4 grand and right now I just can't afford that so much... This year I plan on just getting my scuba diving certs, a bar tending license, a new job, and a new perspective on life. I might stay in school or I might take a year off to gain residency, but that takes a lot of consideration... When will I travel? how much time will I have to travel? what do I need to do to get my residency in Hawaii? Do I even want to stay in Hawaii and finish school here? what do I want to major in when I come back? I'm not on a lease now and I can't get on a lease here where I live, so if I need to be on a lease for a year to gain residency I will have to move. I need to get a drivers license here, but that just takes like 4 hours in one day. I have to work straight for a year, with out going to school full time and I can't have left the island for more than 2 weeks consecutively while I am working on gaining my residency. I can take once class a semester, other people say you can take 3 as long as it isnt full time, but it depends on who you ask. I don't even know what I want to major in but I need to decide before I plan on becoming a resident because if I change my mind I will have wasted that whole year. I would like to be a bartender because while I'm not in school I'll be working and I'll need ajob that will support my rent, food, hopefully a car and gas for this car, insurance for me and my car, and then my instate tuition when I go back to school. Rent is pretty heavy out here if I have to move out of my amazing apartment now, which we just furnished with new couch and loveseat... Its a good deal I can't beat in Hawaii, especially with Dana living with us that took my rent down 100$ too, so I'm paying 450 plus utilities. That is damn good, even if I wasn't living 2 blocks from the beach in the heart of Waikiki!!! So no, i don't wana move. If i have to be on the lease, jess is getting a divorce from her husband then seh can take him off the lease and hopefully add me. I don't even know if i have to be on a lease for a year. I'm just guessing. Right now waitressing is good money and it sustains me, but bartending is even better money. Aside from stripping, bartending and waitressing is as good as it gets with out a degree of some sort! I've saving money prety good with this job, but I don't ahve to pay tuition. I'm saving for my trip to Rio most importantly, and a new camera and mem card cuz mine just died... a car so I can go to the north shore and do what i want! haha, and yesterday I got myself a new amber bracelet. Everyone says the international marketplace only sells fake shit but it looks real enough to me, it was 70, and its really nice. if it is fake, no one will ever notice cuz i can't tell. I wonder if i can take it in somewhere and have it checked. I'm not gonna pawn it so really... it doesnt matter. i want a new bathing suit, and I just got Brad a new pair of sandles cuz his broke right before he left. I know I know, brad is a jerk and I deserve so much better. Its true, and I'm not gonna deny it any more, but he is going through a lot and he does need new sandles, so i got him some and I don't expect him to repay the favor. Warren and Matt aren't exactly the next biggest winners either. Warren, I was so excited we were getting so close again, I thought we would for sur get back together when he came out for the summer, but he once again let me down big time, and just crushed everything we had worked so hard to build back up. So fool me once shame on you, fool me twice and then on... I'm to blame and I'm not takin the blame any more, I'm moving my ass on. Sick of players and flirts. If you need women to drool all over you, you're not for me. I need someone who can stand on their own, whether people like them or not. It really was the best quality about jack. He didn't give a shit what people said or thought about him, and he didn't like attention from women he couldn't give a shit less. It only mattered what I thought, and that was the best thing ever, that was the most secure thing I have ever felt. Guys out here, they don't have that at all. And that's all I'm looking for. So right now I'm not worrying about guys, they come and go and I certainly am not going to put them over my ladies. Not that I have a strong posse, because I have come to realize no one is for ever in this world. nothing is for good and people only come and go, its what has to happen especially in this stage of my life. I look back on the last year and I can't believe how many people I thought were for sure in my life and who are gone and have been effortlessly replaced. Even their memories fade and this is life. I just plan on having fun in the moment because all we are is a fragment of time, a moment of life in a recyclable system. I'm studying tibetan and zen buddhism, they are so interesting, I am not practicing yet but I plan on findng a temple and a group and maybe getting quite into that. I'm pretty busy with school though right now, and speaking of which I only have 2 hours to finish all the homework that is due for tomorrow. I know I wont get any of it done after work so I should get crackin on that now. This has been fun, and theres lots more to come, I'm an endless fountain of unconnecting words and thoughts.