Sing your heart out, its not good but it won't kill them.

Ok I am a liar! Brad kissed a girl when he went home and I told him I didn't kiss anyone or do anything while he was gone, but I kissed Matt, and me and Warren were even talking about getting back together... and with Brad I just never know if he just wants to be friends or if he wants more than that... so I'm generally keeping my options open. But he came home last night and I stayed the night with him at his place I was so nervous to see him!! He said he wanted me to be just his, and he always thinks that, he just doesn't want to limit his options to just me, and he needs to be ablet to come and go as he pleases. It was like going to an interview, I wanted to hug him and kiss him, but he is not the type of person who you really know what is coming, I didn't know if he was going to be sweet and sensitive Brad or nasty mean Brad. I got a lot of the sweet Brad which always makes me wonder, maybe he just is very scared he is going to get hurt and is just trying to protect himself. But I have to protect myself too, and I keep him at a distance because I am really scared of what side of him he is going to present. He even admitted he had been really mean to me before he left, and he was nicer now but I was so distant with him he said he should just go back to being mean to me. I really like it when he isn't but I try and stick it out through those times because I'm sure the nice Brad will come back around eventually... All the dumb stuff he said I just like, what ever you say I don't care if you are gonna be rude cuz I know you're just saying that to get at me, and you can't. It was better after his friend Drew left cuz we could talk about the things we wanted to, like about us. I told him I had been spending time with matt, but it wasn't anything, Matt likes all girls he isn't just interested in me and it didn't mean shit that we were hanging out. I really feel like this because Matt is such a player, and he's really good looking he's got a lot of girls he hangs out with like that... so I felt like I was justified in hanging out with him since it didn't mean anything at all and nothing will ever come of it. I told him Matt had never tried to hit on me or kiss me, but of course I would say that, Brad would never trust me again if he thougth I wasn't completely loyal to him while he was gone. It seemed sometimes that he didn't even want to see me when he got back, and maybe he doesn't, he just needed to get laid. The sex was really good, I do kind of think he got some when he wnt home because he had a lot of fuck buddies in Ohio and everyone wanted to do their part to help him feel better... so I am pretty sure he did, but I asked and he said straight up he did not, so he might be a good liar. He is so jealous and so hurtful sometimes, I want him to be straight with me and if he could get past the trust part I think he would be sweet and sincere and sensitive all the time... but he might just be putting that on becuse he knows that is what I want to see, I believe that and I will fuck him if he acts like he wants to be with me. Guys are like that, and that is the worst kind, so I'm so scared of that happening to me, it tends to happen a lot out here in Hawaii because no one seems to regard people as real people, they are just pit stops on this way to a better place. So this is such a vent, and anyways, I know I know get a newone who is good to you, but I'm just trying to work with what I got untl that someone comes along.

Today was supposed to be another great beach day but it is raining a lot so I am stuck inside, but I'm spending some quiality time with my bunny who is sooo smart!! it comes when I call it sometimes.. and I am trying to teach it to just pee on the newspaper under the coffee table.. I htink he'll learn he's pretty quick.

I've totaly up and left my "girlies" the L's, Laura, and Laurel. they are just off in their own little world, hanging out with their new roommate, who they think is just the best ever. I have come to realize a lot this year, and one is that people come and go allt he time, they are just temporary. I can't hold on to everyone, so I am just going to make the most of who ever is in my life at the moment and if they or I should move on and find another path or other things that occupy my time, so be it, they can always come back if they find they want to, and I'll be there with open arms and an open invite... Its not the end its just not in the works for right now. You don't lose people you just lose contact with them sometimes. ... unless they die, then you lose people but same idea, no one is forever, all of this is all temporary anyways. I am glad that some people I've been able to keep in contact with, and I"m really not the best at keeping up with other people's lives... rose... dearest.. but we have held on through a lot and the fact that we still love eachotehr despite not seeing eachother for so long, and understanding all the distance and space between us, we know in our hearts we will be togther again, we arejust making it easier to catch up when that time comes along. The L's are so immature somtimes, making it seem like if I am not there for them when ever they want to do something, that it is the end of the world. What they expect of people is rediculous, and Laura set me up to forget her birthday. I barely remember my own birthday, let alone my sister's bday..haha and then made a huge deal out of it saying I should just have remembered, when no one told me what day it was exactly, what anyones plans were, or anything! So if they want to do this silly little petty tiff over something so easily avoided -fine. She didn't have to put me in that situation, and then tell me she was over it, us being friends, over this! I can't handle their bullshit sometimes. Its petty really. I'v been bouncing around friends like crazy. Kat from work, that was pretty short lived... I think I get tired of people easily maybe... Hung out with Sarah a lot, Laura's old roommate, and she is fun for the time being but I wouldn't expect her to be there if I realy needed something. I have Jess and my family for that. Even warren I can count on to be there for me if I am down, but not so much my friends. I just don't have so many friends out here, a lotta acquaintances I guess, not that its a bad thing. You can't keep people on a leash, they do what they want and what they need to do for themselves, so let them have that. I trust a few people, I trust you rose, I trust warren forthe most part, I trust Jess and I trust my family, tracy and mom. I don't need a huge support group, that will do just fine for me.

anyways, its rainy, i'm bored and I'm gonna go watch a movie and do some homework. I am meeting Jess and some military guys and Matt at the Yardhouse later to talk about the army and the physical therapy program and all that jazz, might go into that for the physical therapy program because they would not send me to iraq or anything, if at all I would go to europe, and it would totally cover schooling to be a physical therapist back on the island after I came back. its just the reserves, so its not the full army or what not. I don't knwo that much about it actually I'll knwo more once I talk to these guys tonight. xoxoxox