Touch my heart softly

I was pretty sure Warren and I were gonna get back together, after the whole Brad thing, I know he treats me like shit, and Warren said he was going to change, he wasn't going to keep things from me, he was gonna be open with me and he really wanted to change he wanted things to be really good with us, and they were, they started getting so good we talked everydays a couple times a day. For a couple months, we started talking again in January, and in March we had decided we should get back together when he comes back to Hawaii this summer. At first I didn't want to see him at all, I just didn't want to knw he was coming back becuase I was so scared to see him, I didn't want to have feelings for him again and just be let down. That was when he told me how much he wanted to change and for us to get back together. So I really fell for that, I guess I had wanted to hear that for so long that I just ate it up. I wasn't hanging out with Brad as much and we were still hanging out some, like I saw him Saturday before Easter, and stayed the night at his place and we went to breakfast that morning. Then he got the phone call his mom was very very sick and he left that night for Ohio to be with her. He has been there for two weeks and is coming home on Tuesday. I don't know if he'll want to see me when he gets home or if he'll want to wait a few days and see all his friends first. That is waht is weird about Brad, he puts all his friends before me, like I'm not a friend at all. And he doesn't want to see me every day, just at his convenience. He is rude and kind of mean, and then he can just change all of a sudden and be all sweet and sensitive and i'm like, who do I believe. I think he is just fucking with me sometimes, and wants me to open up to him so I'll be more vulnerable to him. So he can just leave with out any attachments and be sure that I'm the one left with all the pieces. He has been hurt before and I think he doesn't really like women, he just wants to use them and leave them. Its what he does and I think he's not gonna change now just cuz he says he wants a relationship. I don't really think this is a relationship. He goes out all the time and hangs out with other girls and goes drinking all the time with Drew and hits on girls and tells them he doesnt have a girlfriend. But when I go out drinking I am suppose to tell guys I have a boyfriend. If we were in a relationship I would expect a lot more, like at least a phonecall ever day, he does live right down the street he could come see me every day, but doesn't wanna see me every day. I am busy and he is busy and I will try and make time for him and he doesnt want to for me because he thinks I should spend more time with other people, like he wants to do with his friends. I just am not like that, in a relationship that person is pretty special and they get treated specially. Just like him not wanting to see me on my birthday and getting wasted 4 blocks from my house, then not showing up until 10 even tho i ssaid i wanted to see him all day... and saying if he had known I was going to get mad about it he wouldn't even have answered my phone calls and not seen me at all that day. Ok so over all Brad is the shittiest boyfriend ever, and we are not actually together since I"m looking always for something better. But I thought Warren was for real, that he meant what he said, and that really gave me a lot of hope and security. I felt like I didn't have to worry about what Brad did, because better was on his way. Then I didn't hear from Warren much over spring break, and I was kinda busy too with work and with beaching, and I met this guy Matt who was way cute but turns out to be a total whore. so when I did hear from him he says he's had company there and been really busy, and he went to san fran and that was a lotta fun, he went to a museum and that was a lotta fun... then a coupel days later I see some girl Megan has tagged Warren in like 11 pictures, all of her and him all snuggled up together on the beach at sunset and arms around eachother at Tahoe, all the places we had gone togehter, and I was so hurt by that and really confused cuz he had done that again, just what he said he wasn't going to do. This was not being so honest and so open with me, and I was pretty shocked.... So I wrote to him how stupid I felt faling for him again and believing him, and how him and megan looked pretty cozy and all. He wrote back there was nothing goin on with him and Megan and that he still cares about me and hoped he hadn't ruined all we had worked towards. At first I wasn't mad at all, I was just shocked and taken aback, but as I thought about it more I became more and more angry... and anyways we talked about ti for a long time but didn't come to any real conclusions, and I just know he will never change, he will always be that little boy who wants everything, gotta have his cake and eat it too. what a dumb saying, of course if you have cake you're gonna eat it... but he wants his cake and icecream on the same plate. now thas a better saying!! no one go and take that bitches!! yeah so I feel way different about him, really let down and dissapointed and I once again just don't think I could ever feel comfortable around him, I know he is always going to do dumb things like that and they are gonna make me not ever trust him. so many other girls want him and he doesn't see that at all, hes like really they are just my friends. Well are they gonna be there when you have a girlfriend?? no? were they there before , when you did have a girlfriend?? no? so why are they just friends, why arent they ever around when you arent single?? they want you and you are jus too stupid to see that. I can't stand that. He needs to smarten up for sure. Anyways we talked for a long time on Friday before my psych class, then for a hwile friday night but hewas really drunk so i'm not sure how much of that conversation he remembers. But I know what I am doing and what I have to do, but I was just a little hurt by that this week. and this weekend was pretty shitty cuz I didn't get to the beach at all and was relaly sick. Then had to work Saturday night and got out really late. Today I was helllllla sick and went to the doctors he said it could be strep but doesnt look like it but gave me a 3 day doc note anyways. It could be worse, Now I can get all my homework done for this week, I have a lot of projects to do, at least one for every class. Korean bookwork, a storyline for my creative media class, a 10 page fnal project in psych class, and we just taped our korean video today since I didn't have to work. anyways, I am off work now so I should go do something productive, like I'll clean my bunny's cage, and get some hw done. I'm craving udon noodles too, I'll go get some in a lil bit maybe Hope will come down and meet me. She is an ex hooters girl. Shes full of drama and shit but she is fun to hang out with and get some food with, and her drama makes me not think about mine at least. Shes going through a divorce right now, and she's seeing this marine chris who I htink is off his rocker but hes a nice guy anyways. I"ll go call her now and see bout getting some chow. Then bunny, then hw. Laters yall.