I won't take my stop I'll keep searching through the night

I had a weak moment, but I am mostly better now, everyone has days like that. Usually it doesn't last too long. I am thinking about getting rid of my bunny, who's gonna take care of him while i'm in costa rica and maine?? I don't know who to ask, maybe sarah... or briana if she hasn't moved into a new apartment yet.
I really need to make like 500 in the next couple day.. like 100 a night would be prime, I need to pay rent and elec and phone bill... and that is due soon. I am short cash now..that sucks. But I can make it up, I can work a double if I need to.
On friday I made 170 thats pretty good, but on saturday i only made 80 so I guess you never never know with hooters. things with the girls are coming around, we have a lot of new girls and now that katelyn is gone most of the drama associated with her and sean is gone too. sometime i get a lil but mostly its over now. just char and i think she might be coming around... never know with her either.
yesterday i walked around and visited a couple shops with sarah just for something to do before work. I made it to work an hour and 30 min early cuz i forgot we didnt have to go in until 6!! because it was the UFC fight. I made good tips on the tables I got though for the most part, I just could have used more tables towards the end of the night.
I was suppose to work at 12 today but kasia picked up that shift and i switchd her for the night shift, but i am guessing she is planning on pulling a double today. sundays are good nights becuae we have a band and loud music makes people stay longer and drink more.
Last night after work I went to the bar above hooters, bikini's cuz greg my bartender was working and he lets me drink even though he knows im not 21. I met Jose n his friend up there, hes a regular at hooters. he was wasted since the ufc fight i really don'tknow how he made it until 12:30 but he did, what a trooper! I had a capt and coke and talked to some of the hooters people then had to hit the road, I was mopeding and it was starting to rain. as i was sitting at the bar waiting to pay I saw, low and behold.... SHANNON RYAN. this is huge. shannon is warren's ex girlfriend before me. the one he would not give up to save our relationship for, the one he lied about still hanging out with.. it was a lot of trouble. but afterhe and i broke up for good i wrote to her and apologized for the harrassing phone call that one night, and just said that i feel really bad for the way I acted towards her, and she was really mature about it and really really sweet which she didnt need to be. so ther i am sitting at the bar next to this girl who doesnt even notice me at yet, and i'm like woah man tha is fucking ironic. she got her drink and walked away, i paid and then went ove to her and introduced myself to her. it was weird but she was nice and i was nice. she really is not pretyt. not just not pretty she is flat out ugly. I was shocked. and she can only be like95 lbs mabe less... much much too skinny and her face looks like it was smashed in by something... very unattractive. her boyfriend on the other hand is absoutely gorgeous!! i was shocked. he is very good looking. we were veyr nice and i hugged her and we talked for like 3 minutes then i hheaded on my way. I couldnt wait to get home and tell jessica this adventure. too bad i'm not talking to warren so much anymore. he didnt call the whole time he was visiting that girl in lousiana so i assume that was very fun. now he is calling cuz hes back and i'm not answering. tough love bitch.

What life, what do you want??

Crazy crazy dreams recently. I thought they were over. It is stress its always stress. I don't know why though. maybe.. Stress about going back towork and not being good enough, stress about not having enough money for my trips I need to book now, stress about not making rent and about not having done the right things. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten a moped now, maybe I can't afford it, I shouldn't have taken such a long time off from work, I might not be able to come back in July after my trip home, what if I lose my job? What if I don't have the money I need when I need it. I need to pay rent, my phone bill, electric bill, and green peace suckered me in to that fucking 20$ a month thing, I want to find out how to get out of that too. I don't have the money for this, and I am wasting my life sleeping because I feel so useless when I'm awake! My schedule is all messed up I can't get to sleep before like...3 or 4 an I"m not even drinking, I"m just sitting up like what the fuck... I wake up at like noon, and there goes most of my day, I don't feel like doing anything, I just want to sleep all the time, but Ihave the worst dreams! Last night I dreamed I was trapped in this like, house where I couldn't leave until I was dead or something. Some midget chased me down with a chain saw. I ranout of the house and this guy stopped me and i started fighting with him, and kicking and hitting him but it was like i couldn't hit him hard enough my limbs just werent working like I wanted them to,and it was so frustrating. I woke up in a huge panic and when I went back to sleep I dreamed aobut the same thing. I dreamed about Jack again too. every night now. hes usually not with in reach, I am either talking to him and he is totally distant, or he is not close enough to me to talk to, or he's a memory in a dream. I hate this. I hate sleeping and I hate being awake. I hate my rabbit and how much of my energy he demands even though he still hates me. I hate my friends for being shitty friends, and my body for getting fatter every day and my lack of motivation to do something about it. ihate my financial situation and my job. I have headaches every morning, what is wrong with life right now??????????????? I hate life right now. i want to get a new one. this week after fials has fucked with my clocks and my mind a lot. I need a schedule. or something but i dont know what. I want some genuine loving unmotivated unjudgemental affection and support.

I don't know why I feel this way, it hurts me the most

I don't think I ever walk away from a situation and think yeah that went really well. If I do it is not often. I usually think man I made an ass of myself or I don't think these people really like me. That is sad and pathetic, but I realize it. I think people aren't usually laughing with me.... even though I'm laughing too, it still isn't with me. I feel like they are just looking at me not listening to me. I start worrying about all the things I do and say. I feel like I just don't belong in these situations. I just don't want to be apart of them. I am socially akward. I fight it but I just am. I don't know what people usually do, I don't know how to act like them. I am just different and I guess it stands out in an unusual way. Not so much in a good way. So this wasn't much of a wise and deep post, its kinda sad and stupid. But its how I feel and that suckes right now. I only have a few girlfriends but I still feel like I'm the friend everyone hates to see coming, even though I don't even hang out with people in groups any more. That is probably why in a "group" of like 3 or more I am so socially inept, I just like it better one on one. I don't feel like I have to play one person against the other. Ugh. Tonight was fun but I just walk away thinking, wtf. Why didn't that go as smoothly as I thougth it was going to?? Am I trying too much? laughing too much? Trying to make a specific impression and it never goes right? yeh. I feel like at this rate I"m going to lose everyone I have here. I don't even really see Briana anymore, and we were getting prety close! Kristie went home for the summer and I only see sarah, and what's gonna happen to me when she gets sick of me? Even I'm getting sick of me.

maybe everyone feels like this, no one just wants to admit it. I hope so. I am admitting it. How embarrassing..............................

I hope this gets back to Jesus

It's been awhile since I blogged, I had some stuff going on, but now I'm a pretty clean slate. School was over on Friday, I had my last final. I started back at hooters on Monday, now I'm working Friday Saturday and Sunday. Monday was a bad starter day. I only made 45$ but i didn't get a table until almost 7 and then I got cut at like 930. I got a moped today, that was the highlight of my week. It was 650, it works so far so good. I got my grades today too, but I checked them last night at midnight, cuz I was too excited. I worked really hard this semester, especially after I left hooters a month ago, I put everything into my grades. I got 3A's and a B in bar and restaurant management. For the semester my gpa was a 3.75 buuut it only brought my cumulative grade up to 3.16. boo. But I dropped my summer course cuz I"m gonna be set back for another year just in graining residency, so what is one class gonna do to me? I'm just going to work full time, and I might get another job for the am cuz i am not really doing anything with my morning now and I feel so lazy waking up at noon... So far since school got out I have worked one day, and spent the rest of my time worrying about not working and watching the whole first season of 24. i have wasted 12 hours straight on that and I can't wait to waste another 12 hours the rest of this week. I am not going to rio, that is the firm decision. Still trying to arrange a trip to Costa Rica with Kristie for July 15-23. I'll arrange a week to maien around that trip too, prolly from the 11/12 to the 25. hopefully work understands....idno if they will.

Its the path you take not the destination you seek

Time feels like its going so slowly, things will never change, then I look back and realize things are so different and its changed so fast, nothing will ever be the same. I wonder am I ever going to be satisfied with what i have? Is satisfaction just settling? Am I never satisfied because I am never settling, and is that a good thing? Don't settle for good, set your expectations high and reach for great. But are those people reaching for great ever happy when life is just good? I want to be happy, I want to be satisfied with where I am and who I am. Love who you are, but don't settle. I always want to change, I always want what is better what is next what is coming for me. That is such a clash of interests. I can't reach for the stars and keep my feet on the ground. Moving forward and moving up are different, and moving up is improving what you have, and moving forward is changing what you have, it's living and doing what you do. Today I just had the worst ache for Maine that I have felt in a long time. I feel sort of like I have extinguished my resources of friends, and I ache for Jack, Mom, Gram, and Tracy and Kaj and what I had, I almost even miss megan. Of course this is rediculous, and I can't go back and Jack is not moving on or moving up, he is moving down and back. Had I been a weaker person he could have convinced me to stay in Maine, live in his shack of a house next to the garage he constructs motorcycles in, and just work at a store and have babies. Talking to mom made this clear, and talking to her is such a reality check. I may not know why I'm on this road now, but when it all comes together I will realize I was on the right road the whole time, I took the right path and I didn't miss out on a thing. I feel like school will never end for me, it just keeps coming, and passing, slowly, and I'm never moving forward, then I look back and my past year is a blur. I can't believe how things have changed for me. Things will never change in an instant, but every instant is a change, so subtle I don't feel it, but so drastic these days I can hardly handle the difference when I look back. Funny how that is, and I think if I could give anyone some advice, I don't know who would want my advice, but I feel like I'm somewhat wiser than most 20 year olds, I would say you can wake up early and play all day until the sun goes down, because these days will never be made up. Life is what you lose planning your future. I can't get back what I left in Maine, things are different and most of the people there are gone, so when I go back to Maine the best thing for me to do is make a new path. I should meet all the people Tracy knows from school, and make new friends, and go to new places. Bring new people home with me and make new memories. I can't stand change sometimes, and it is all I wish for all the time. My life is just such a fucking contradiction sometimes, it is no wonder I am never happy with what I have, all that I strive for I am dissapointed in when it leads to the loss of what I had but wanted to lose. I would drive faster down this road if I could, but I will stop at as many places as I can and enjoy the view. This road is flat but winding. I guess if that doesn't make sense it will someday. When you look back on life and all you see is the last corner you turned you're gonna realize you went through the motions way too fast. I think I should take caution of this now, and be excited for everthing outside the windows, not just look forward to every turn in the road. I'm so happy I talked to mom and tracy today. It is really funny what you miss when you leave. I miss the cold rain,the grey skies, the puddles in the drive way and the melting dirty snow, and kissing him goodbye when I thought that was the worst feeling in the world, I would relive that in a heart beat, just to cry and say goodbye and feel that sadness again. You miss even the bad when you realize you never really appreciated the good.

two more weeks

I went to Hooters yesterday to see Nikki and some of the other girls, but mostly Nikki and Kim was there too. I saw Britt O and Dylan leaving and talked to them, Dylan said she heard I had gotten fired, and Britt said she heard I was taking some time off. I told them nope wasn't fired as far as i knew... and told them why i had taken some time off, and then that I was probably going to come back in a couple weeks or maybe a month. Sweet girls. I was happy to be there not working, how weird that feels. John, one of my fav cooks was there, and hooked me up with like 25$ worth of free food yay, love him. Amber, the manager, pulled me aside and asked, real sincere like, are you okay?? Yeah I'm ok, (really are you asking me this like you care) amber is a bitch. but i think she was being genuine. she asked when I could come back and that she hadn't taken me off the schedule, she just hadn't scheduled me, so when should she start putting me back on. I said like how about in 2 weeks, things are still ya know... getting there. Sure, just call and i'll be back on the schedule. That is good, unless I"m hostessing, then I'll be like fuck ya'll i'm outta here. But I think that was really understanding of them, and I thanked her for doing this for me. Sure no prob she said, glad I was doing okay. Well at least I don't have to worry about themoney running out and then worrying about another job. This summer I think things will pick up a lot and I'll make good money.

Jess and I got into another argument yesterday, she is just getting on my nerves so much now that i"m home all the time. Yeah i make stupid mistakes and that is dumb, but she is so anal about all the other shit too that is like, you do the same shit, so I don't wanna hear you bitch at me that all the lights are on... You girls do that all the time. I'm only half guilty. She points out everything and says she feels like my mother rah rah rah, i'm like thats cuzyou wanna feel like the mother, you take it upon yourself, and you do the same shit we do, we just don't get on your case about it all the time. Only if it is a real problem do i ever say anything or if I"m trying to make a point that I'm not the only one that fucks up around here, will I ever say anything. She apologized later like she always does, and I apologized for leaving the lights on and the door unlocked for like 3 hours yesterday. oops.

dana, the girl who is staying with jessica right now is leaving next month, so i'll have to go bak to paying the extra 100 i was paying for rent before she got here, but its okay because I will be working again by then. It was a nice little vacation, and I liked having Dana around, but its not easy living 3 girls all together. There are bound to be problems. And jessica being soo overly anal, and dana being sooo overly messy and lazy makes some problems. Jess said last night, you are so different now. You changed a lot. since the incident. (yeah crazy huh, rape can really change someone, go fucking figure. ) thats exactly what i told her too. you gotta be more specific jess, how am i different and how do you want me to change? i'm sure i'll be better someday, but right now thats how i am, its how i'm coping, and you're just gonna have to understand that.

I am taking a summer class, and I need to sign up before it's too late! I need to sign up for a fall class too. I'm not sure what to take, but something with a lab because its better to get those outta the way when I'm only taking one class and can focus completely on that. they say they're really hard. maybe intro to nutrition summer, bio 171 and lab in the fall and physiology and anatomy in the spring or vise versa. Thos are the hard ones people fail the most. eww.

i got a friday night class coming up in like an hour, i gotta do the dishes before jess comes home, clean the bunny, and pick up some food for our pot luck for this psych class. bettter get on that!!

Happy in hues

I have been busy but not stressed because I am not working right now. I am actually well off, I have enough for another month of this living as long as I can say goodbye to any trips I might have taken this summer. I guess I am okay with this. I'm sad my Rio trip fell through, but I am relieved I am on some sort of path. Wandering is nice, but only for so long. I have a supposed major, and a plan, and I'm focusing mostly on school which is something I haven't done since I started college. I have a friend base that is working out pretty good, mostly because it isn't a group of girls, it's a smattering of some from other areas, work, different classes, etc. It is better to hang out one on one, not in a group, its just too much competition, and girls love to fuck eachother over in groups. I have been seeing a lot of Sarah, who just turned 21 yesterday- woo! Briana from work but not much this last week, cuz of finals and she is working and all, Kristie who I went shark cage diving with last weekend. I see Chassis around sometimes, and I talked to Kim from work the other day but those 3 girls are the ones I usually see in my free time. I met a student from UH, Dan last week adn have been hanging out with him pretty regularly. He is nice. That is it, he is nice. not my type. I went to Bellows for his friends birthday last Saturday, then Sunday he came over for a while and watched tv, and yesterday I went to his place for tacos and hung out for a little while. It's too much and he's just too nice. I might do something with him tomorrow since I don't have classes or work. We might go to the beach.

I feel like boys are a little hopeless, and I am not bothering with them much any more. I keep wondering if I should write to brad, maybe try and talk to him. I know how it will turn out, no matter what I say, this will mean he "won" because I came to him to mend a friendship that sucked more than you know. I don't know why it bothers me so much, I guess because I tried so hard and those few and far between glimpses of a good person were what kept me coming back, thinking that it was worth it. It is straight up pathetic female insecurity that would make me do this. sad sad pathetic and intolerable female insecurity. I want that touch to feel like I am something to someone. This is such a difficult realization and I am glad for myself that I stood up to someone for once. I didn't let him have his last evil rotten words when he wanted to talk to me to return my bike. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction... and that this bothered him is my own small feat. He doesn't deserve to know how I feel and how much he got to me. He knows he hurt me so much that day he walked away, and then that I let him go really pisses him off. What he did when he walked away was beyond forgiveable. He took a bad situation and turned it around so it all fell on me. Not only did he duck out under the table, but he lifted the whole table and dumped all the contents on me, and said he had been through enough. How could I ask him to be a friend to me in this, after all he had been through, I am so immature.

I didn't ask for any of this, and even though I don't need to talk about it all the time, and I don't cry all the time, I still am picking up the pieces and putting them back in place. This is all going to take a lot longer than I imagined. This whole fucked up situation is going to come together for me, and I will be over with it, but its gonna take a whole lotta time, distractions, and pissing hatred once in a while. and probably a lot of chocolate. Get angry. Sadness and confusion aren't going to get me anywhere. My problem is I am angry then sad, instead of the other way around. Now I am sad adn confused and I want to fix this. Angry is when I just wanted revenge. I can't fix this though an the only thing I can do is get over it. I am really good at avoidance, this is why I tend to dislike staying in one place for too long. It's not that I'm runing from anything, because these things aren't chasing me. it is good to walk away from a bad situation, it is bad to run away from your problems. look at it how ever you want, half full half empty, its how i deal with things. don't judge.

Aside from this bucket of shit I call my love life, I am getting my shit together and I am planning on applying for jobs in the upcomeing weeks. After I spend my energy these next few weeks getting ready for finals. I am probably ready to go back to work, adn I've had a lot of time to spend making new amazing memories, and going to places I haven't been before. It was worth it, I needed a semi vacation. Even school work isntead of work work is vacation to me. I am happy usually. I am confused and tainted, but I can look past that usually and I think even if I don't win it all, at least I"m not losing. I got love and it comes and it goes, and i love what I have right now, it is enough. my support, my friends, my memories, my hopes, my goals, my ambitions. I have me not matter how much the rest of humanity lets me down. I would say i'm happy now, happy in hues.

That festering wound you call a heart

I want to take you and shake you until your blood drains out. I don't understand how people do this to one another. No dignity at all. Humiliation, distrust, disgust, and more humiliation, who the fuck do these people think they are? They have it all wrong. Their color pallets were flipped upside down and smeared beyond recognition, and they were given an ice pick instead of a brush. That isn't living, friend. That isn't life. You don't have to push and pull. If you are happy you shouldn't have to push at all. I promise you the things you are pulling for aren't going to make you happy. You've just never tried any other way.