Happy in hues

I have been busy but not stressed because I am not working right now. I am actually well off, I have enough for another month of this living as long as I can say goodbye to any trips I might have taken this summer. I guess I am okay with this. I'm sad my Rio trip fell through, but I am relieved I am on some sort of path. Wandering is nice, but only for so long. I have a supposed major, and a plan, and I'm focusing mostly on school which is something I haven't done since I started college. I have a friend base that is working out pretty good, mostly because it isn't a group of girls, it's a smattering of some from other areas, work, different classes, etc. It is better to hang out one on one, not in a group, its just too much competition, and girls love to fuck eachother over in groups. I have been seeing a lot of Sarah, who just turned 21 yesterday- woo! Briana from work but not much this last week, cuz of finals and she is working and all, Kristie who I went shark cage diving with last weekend. I see Chassis around sometimes, and I talked to Kim from work the other day but those 3 girls are the ones I usually see in my free time. I met a student from UH, Dan last week adn have been hanging out with him pretty regularly. He is nice. That is it, he is nice. not my type. I went to Bellows for his friends birthday last Saturday, then Sunday he came over for a while and watched tv, and yesterday I went to his place for tacos and hung out for a little while. It's too much and he's just too nice. I might do something with him tomorrow since I don't have classes or work. We might go to the beach.

I feel like boys are a little hopeless, and I am not bothering with them much any more. I keep wondering if I should write to brad, maybe try and talk to him. I know how it will turn out, no matter what I say, this will mean he "won" because I came to him to mend a friendship that sucked more than you know. I don't know why it bothers me so much, I guess because I tried so hard and those few and far between glimpses of a good person were what kept me coming back, thinking that it was worth it. It is straight up pathetic female insecurity that would make me do this. sad sad pathetic and intolerable female insecurity. I want that touch to feel like I am something to someone. This is such a difficult realization and I am glad for myself that I stood up to someone for once. I didn't let him have his last evil rotten words when he wanted to talk to me to return my bike. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction... and that this bothered him is my own small feat. He doesn't deserve to know how I feel and how much he got to me. He knows he hurt me so much that day he walked away, and then that I let him go really pisses him off. What he did when he walked away was beyond forgiveable. He took a bad situation and turned it around so it all fell on me. Not only did he duck out under the table, but he lifted the whole table and dumped all the contents on me, and said he had been through enough. How could I ask him to be a friend to me in this, after all he had been through, I am so immature.

I didn't ask for any of this, and even though I don't need to talk about it all the time, and I don't cry all the time, I still am picking up the pieces and putting them back in place. This is all going to take a lot longer than I imagined. This whole fucked up situation is going to come together for me, and I will be over with it, but its gonna take a whole lotta time, distractions, and pissing hatred once in a while. and probably a lot of chocolate. Get angry. Sadness and confusion aren't going to get me anywhere. My problem is I am angry then sad, instead of the other way around. Now I am sad adn confused and I want to fix this. Angry is when I just wanted revenge. I can't fix this though an the only thing I can do is get over it. I am really good at avoidance, this is why I tend to dislike staying in one place for too long. It's not that I'm runing from anything, because these things aren't chasing me. it is good to walk away from a bad situation, it is bad to run away from your problems. look at it how ever you want, half full half empty, its how i deal with things. don't judge.

Aside from this bucket of shit I call my love life, I am getting my shit together and I am planning on applying for jobs in the upcomeing weeks. After I spend my energy these next few weeks getting ready for finals. I am probably ready to go back to work, adn I've had a lot of time to spend making new amazing memories, and going to places I haven't been before. It was worth it, I needed a semi vacation. Even school work isntead of work work is vacation to me. I am happy usually. I am confused and tainted, but I can look past that usually and I think even if I don't win it all, at least I"m not losing. I got love and it comes and it goes, and i love what I have right now, it is enough. my support, my friends, my memories, my hopes, my goals, my ambitions. I have me not matter how much the rest of humanity lets me down. I would say i'm happy now, happy in hues.