Its the path you take not the destination you seek

Time feels like its going so slowly, things will never change, then I look back and realize things are so different and its changed so fast, nothing will ever be the same. I wonder am I ever going to be satisfied with what i have? Is satisfaction just settling? Am I never satisfied because I am never settling, and is that a good thing? Don't settle for good, set your expectations high and reach for great. But are those people reaching for great ever happy when life is just good? I want to be happy, I want to be satisfied with where I am and who I am. Love who you are, but don't settle. I always want to change, I always want what is better what is next what is coming for me. That is such a clash of interests. I can't reach for the stars and keep my feet on the ground. Moving forward and moving up are different, and moving up is improving what you have, and moving forward is changing what you have, it's living and doing what you do. Today I just had the worst ache for Maine that I have felt in a long time. I feel sort of like I have extinguished my resources of friends, and I ache for Jack, Mom, Gram, and Tracy and Kaj and what I had, I almost even miss megan. Of course this is rediculous, and I can't go back and Jack is not moving on or moving up, he is moving down and back. Had I been a weaker person he could have convinced me to stay in Maine, live in his shack of a house next to the garage he constructs motorcycles in, and just work at a store and have babies. Talking to mom made this clear, and talking to her is such a reality check. I may not know why I'm on this road now, but when it all comes together I will realize I was on the right road the whole time, I took the right path and I didn't miss out on a thing. I feel like school will never end for me, it just keeps coming, and passing, slowly, and I'm never moving forward, then I look back and my past year is a blur. I can't believe how things have changed for me. Things will never change in an instant, but every instant is a change, so subtle I don't feel it, but so drastic these days I can hardly handle the difference when I look back. Funny how that is, and I think if I could give anyone some advice, I don't know who would want my advice, but I feel like I'm somewhat wiser than most 20 year olds, I would say you can wake up early and play all day until the sun goes down, because these days will never be made up. Life is what you lose planning your future. I can't get back what I left in Maine, things are different and most of the people there are gone, so when I go back to Maine the best thing for me to do is make a new path. I should meet all the people Tracy knows from school, and make new friends, and go to new places. Bring new people home with me and make new memories. I can't stand change sometimes, and it is all I wish for all the time. My life is just such a fucking contradiction sometimes, it is no wonder I am never happy with what I have, all that I strive for I am dissapointed in when it leads to the loss of what I had but wanted to lose. I would drive faster down this road if I could, but I will stop at as many places as I can and enjoy the view. This road is flat but winding. I guess if that doesn't make sense it will someday. When you look back on life and all you see is the last corner you turned you're gonna realize you went through the motions way too fast. I think I should take caution of this now, and be excited for everthing outside the windows, not just look forward to every turn in the road. I'm so happy I talked to mom and tracy today. It is really funny what you miss when you leave. I miss the cold rain,the grey skies, the puddles in the drive way and the melting dirty snow, and kissing him goodbye when I thought that was the worst feeling in the world, I would relive that in a heart beat, just to cry and say goodbye and feel that sadness again. You miss even the bad when you realize you never really appreciated the good.