Stopped between a sigh and a scream

Tonight was the annual Hooters bikini contest. woohoo. Tia actually asked me to be in it and I was flattered, but I don't have the body, which people argue, but i also don't have the confidence and the heart to lose. It would ruin my ego to lose. Especially when Rynell was in it and came in second. I think she is so ugly and that John chose her over me, and then she goes and gets second in the bikini contest is just another fucking slap in the face. One right after the other. Grrr! I"m not gonna fight it, I was disrespected and there is no way to get that back. There is no way to get that friendship back, and theres no way its gonna ever be the same again. I have to face it and find a way to live with it. I shouldn't hate Rynell but its gettig worse and worse every day. She never did anything but it rubs me raw that everyone loves her, and she is so cute, and she has such a cute body, and that John has her claimed as his. It is like being replaced. I was that really cute sweet girl that hit on all the kitchen boys and got what ever I wanted. Its like getting fucking replaced and I'm so stupid and immature about it but it fucking hurts!! I guess it happens no matter where you work, the same thing happend at cheeseburger in paradise. I used to be top cat in that cathouse, but shit fell apart. I don't know, but the most reassuring thing is that things will change eventually. If I do stick it out, he will leave, or she will leave, or I will leave, and new people will come, and new things will happen. I have faith in that because especially at hooters we have a high turnover all the time on the floor and in the kitchen. Its cool. I'm cool no I'm over it. I just don't like to see it in my face. I don't like to see him all over her at work. Tht still is a little sore. And I want to punch him. ugh! sigh.

Looking up, tomorrow is my day off. I'm hanging out with Sarah, and then hanging out with Brandon. I think I am seeing him waaay too often and he is getting the wrong impression. And then if he tries something he will be like what do you mean no? Why have I been doing so much for you and you won't even - rah rah rah. Cuz maybe he isn't doing all this because he is my friend. And he comes in to see me at work and gets jealous when I don't sit with him as much as I sit with Michael or something, its like, I know its gonna get past the friend thing quick, and I don't want him to assume we are gonna be more than friends because we hang out all the time. I don't knwo if I should say something to him, or just like start talking about my guy problems so he knows he isn't a potential in my mind, but subtally, or IDNO WHAT THE FUCK. Anyways we're going out to eat then going to the human exhibit, oooo, and I'm going to see stop loss with sarah earlier in the day. If I wake up soon enough I might hit Kat's on the way to town cuz her an dI have been hanging out more too. Its good cuz now that Kristie left I'm a girl down, one man short, and I don't see much of Briana anymore cuz she lives so far away and she doesn't know how to drive a stick. :( So hopefully a day off will cheer me up!! I made good cash today, over 200 cuz it was packed all freakin night!! yay!

I want this day to last and last and last

It was a good day to take off. Tuesdays are usually not busy at Hooters, and my friend Brandon took me out kayaking again. I want so much for him to be my friend not because he wants to sleep with me. It hurt so so so so so much, when Brad told me that guys only hang out with me because they want to fuck me. I asked him if maybe it wasn't my personality, and he said no its because they want to fuck. I think there is more to me than that, but I don't know. I am weary, and I am not attracted or anything with Brandon, I want him to just want to be friends with me and want to take me so many places and hangout with me so much because we are friends. I am so scared this will get fucked up like Jen and Rob. I am so... really scared of fucking up and letting my guard down and just thinking that maybe he could be my friend. sometimes when he says things I am like, that could be hitting on me, maybe he does want more, and I get so paranoid. It was so offending when Brad told me that, and usually the things he says are so mean just because he wants to be mean, but that one hit home. I do worry that maybe that is all guys want. I wonder, and I do have a lot of problems having guys as just friends. So that was a home run for him I guess. But we all know Brad is a jerk and its wrong to listen to anything at all that he has to say. That just was a little too close to home I guess n I"m letting it get to me.

But Brandon is a nice nice guy and I hope he doesn't every try anything wiht me to fuck up our friendship. We have so many plans and we have a lot of fun hanging out together. LIke a girlfriend and I don't ever want him to try anything funny. We went kayaking today over at Lanikai, the most beautiful beach in Hawaii. We paddled out to flat island, bird sanctuary and that was fun, but the other island we paddled to, two miles off flat island was even cooler. I forgot my camera so we bought an underwater camera but ran out of pics half way through our trip. So we are going to have to go back. The other "mok" island is also a bird sanctuary. It was big and there was lots to explore. The water was so beautiful and even though it was rainy in Waikiki, which is rare, that meant good weather on the other side of the island. It was a beautiful day and I had so much fun. I'm getting pretty good at this kayaking, and even in open ocean it was not as bad as I thought. We had a double kayak though, I didn't have to pull my own the whole time which was a relief, I am not so ready for that yet!

After kayaking I met sarah at taco tuesdays but we had to catch a movie so we didn't have time to stay. We saw forgetting Sarah marshall, soo funny! Her, and her friend jordan met us there. He is a sweetie. We hit hooters afterwards for free food and to see my girlies. Briana was working and a lot of the new girls I like a lot. We went upstairs to bikinis afterwards because Greg was working. Lindsey came up later and drank with us, we played a couple games of pool then it was time to roll out. A full and eventful day off, that is the way I like to spend my time away from hooters. Tomorrow its back to work, another slow slow day, but I have thursday off too, Brandon wants to take me to a steakhouse cuz I told him how much I miss steak and pototes from maine. then we are going to the body exhibit, which I didn't know was real bodies. Now that I know that I'm glad we are eating before we go, I don't knwo how much of an apetite I will have after that. But it sounds so cool and it is only been showed in like 34 cities around the world, so it will be cool.

Hey lakers lost the finals, and the CELTICS WON yeaaah baby go east coast!

There are 6 billion people on this planet

There are 6.6 BILLION PEOPLE in the world and i'm NOT going to waste another minute being hurt by you, or you, or you!!!

Brad came over the other night to get laid, but we didnt and he was mad, but he called the next night cuz he thought something might have changed. well it didn't and he just gets meaner and meaner. I can't even believe I ever allowed someone to say those kinds of things to me. we got into an argument and i kicked him out then i made him come back because I felt bad for kicking him out. he stayed the night but wouldnt cuddle with me or anything. Then he had to leave in the morning early cuz he didn't want to waste his day laying around with me doing nothing. its only worth it if hes laying around getting some i guess. well fuck it. I sat there more than a little stunned after he left. I sat for a couple minutes in my bed, just thinking how I let people treat me like this. I remembered a "piece of flair" button (haha i know, dork!) on facebook, that said there are 6 billion people on this planet and i only want you. and I thought wow, there are 6.6 BILLION people on this planet and I'm going to invite over the one asshole who thinks he can emotionally and verbally abuse me and then get laid? OH FUCK NO.

THERE ARE 6.6 BILLION PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET THAT MEANS I DON'T HAVE TO SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN FUCKING AMAZING UNTIL I HAVE EXTINGUISHED MY 6.6 BILLION RESOURCES. (less if you want to exclude women, but I"m not going to)

if you can't change your fate change your attitude.
thats a good one too.
maybe you can't change fate, but who knows. you can always change the direction of life and hope for a brighter fate, right?
i don't so much believe in fate, but luck. good and bad. i think everything that happens to us happens depending on the situation, and it is influenced by good or bad luck. And it has nothing to do with what you deserve. If you do good things to get good karma, that makes you a good person. it doesn't mean good things will happen to you, or that bad things will happen to people who have done bad things to you. you are now, by your own standards, a good person. and that is dependant on your standards, and varies by person.

Anyways. I am counting down the days to Maine, and Costa Rica. I am excited to see mum and dad, and steve will be around too. crazy, the people who wind up sticking it out. I would never in a million years seen steve being the one friend I could count on seeing when I come back to Maine. Jun-hyeok, the guy I was seeing in Seoul will be in New York some time, I wish so much he could come to Hawaii. He was a sweet guy. He sent me an email, it was cute.

"hey this is me

i normally never check my e mail

i luckily found this few days ago

so how have you been

i'm in canada right now

toronto

i'll might be going to ny next month for few weeks

then i'm going back to korea to finish my univ

i miss you always

one day we can be together drinking wine or having something really nice

could be korea or state or any

until then ' take care

leave your ph number i'll call you
my mobile is 010 7287 7607

i'm using the skype""




mmm how cool would it be if i met up with him while he was in NY? mm

tomorrow is my day off, i'll prolly pick up thursday. I hope hope hope this week is better htan last week because it was so dead last week. I made 450 working 38 hours. I was hoping to make something like.... 600 last week, and that didn't exactly happen. so this week I"m keeping my fingers crossed for a busy week. Not letting any of the drama with the kitchen boys interfere. So tomorrow I think I am going kayaking again, this time to a diff place called chinaman's hat. I was supposed to go to taco tuesday with sarah but taco tuesday isnt that fun, there are too many people I could run into, but hopefully i'll be able to make ti to a movie with her still. Her friend jordan is coming too. such a sweetie, but another whore like all the guys I know.

gotta go get ready for work tonight. just woke up like an hour and a half ago i'm such a lazy ass

My dreams are so real with you in them

I dreamed that I had Jack back, we were laying on my bed I was laying on top of him, just touching his face and I could really feel his features. It looked just like him in every aspect, it was him in every way I was shocked. I knew it was a dream, but I kept telling him how real it felt, how much I wanted it to be real.

Things at work still suck. Now people know and things are just really screwed up now. John and I are still not speaking and him and Rynell are hanging out all the time now. She even goes to the bar upstairs with him after work. That is my hang out I can't go there and relax if she is there with him. She doesn't even drink. And I was beginning to forget why I was even mad at him. I am just disrespeted and I feel more and mroe like not talking to him is not getting my point acrossed. Brandon asked me the other day if he could stay the night "in my bed" because he let me stay at his place and i slept in his bed, it was only fair. i couldn't believe he said that at work. FINE ask to stay at my place its cool cuz we're friends. but don't fucking bring up who has slept in my bed etc etc. its no one elses business. As if everyone knowing I slept with John isn't bad enough, now everyone thinks I slept with Brandon too. And guess who dropped Brandon off at my place that night cuz he supposedly couldn't get back to the north shore that night. John. That is fucking lovely. This just gets better and better every god damned day.

but wait! no there is more! I went kayaking two days ago with my friend brandon, not the cook the one who brough me home from hooters the other night. he is way fun, older and not attractive, but very nice. trustable. I have poor judgement in people, but a lot of the hooters girls are close friends with him, so maybe their judgement is better than mine. Most of the time I just sat back and drank, and he did most of the paddling. It was fun though, we talked a lot and laughed and it was nice to have a nice day off for a change. then back to hooters hell yesterday.

It was Brandond's birthday and all the hooters people were upstairs at bikini's but Greg my bartender wasn't working so I just went up checked it out and left. Rynell was downstairs waiting for John to get off work and I wasn't gonna wait up for that mess. Fuck it. Brandon kitchen boy aparently took Leanne home with him the night after he stayed at my place trying desperately to hook up with me. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. i am surrounded by a bunch of dogs. and they wear these cute little puppy disguises. fuckers. this is so rediculous I don't know if I can be friends with any of these kitchen boys, the cons are beginning to seriously outweigh the pros.

ONly one month left then its off on a vacation with kristie. then when i come back john will be gone for good he is leaving on some adventure around the world. and brandon might as well be gone from hooters. this is good news.

This is what I thought, I thought you'd need me

I am furious with men right now, in general and only because of one. That would be Jack. All the things we had, all the things I did for him, I just always thought we would always be together. We haven't talked now for almost a year, and things still remind me of him, actually think about him all the time. Then I met john, and he was so like jack in a lot of ways, and I could see that he was innocent and good, and he was not like other guys because he didn't need attention from other girls. I really liked that, if there is one quality i seek out in guys it would be that they are confident in not needing other girls. John seemed so like Jack in that way, and he is a total stoner and kinda quirkey. I just really saw Jack in him, and I wanted to see that and feel that, and I let my guard down. It isnt't Johns fault I was weak, it was my fault, and it was Jack's fault. I will never get over that boy. But John is not like jack, John is not loyal, he is unattractive and I thought that would prevent him from being a target of affection of other girls. Apparently after we hooked up... like 2 days after we hooked up, he decided he didn't want to hang out with me anymore, he wants to hit on Rynell, a pretty good working buddy of mine. and not discretley either. Right in my face. Not a week after hooking up with me. I didn't expect the world, I totally didn't expect shit to come of our little thing, but to completely throw it back in my face, it is just TOTALLY DISRESPECTFUL. He can't do better than me, and it is stupid and immature of me to act like that but it's true, he had a good thing when I was giving him attention, I was sleeping with him! This may sound conceited but you don't throw that back in my face!! Especially if you are an unattractive kitchen boy at hooters!! jesus I make so much drama for myself it is rediculous. I work 6 nights a week this week, all but thursday, I wish I could work thurs instead of today and wednesday, they are such slow fuckin days I don't have enough time to work slow days!!

I got home from the bar pretty late like at 4, My friend one of my customers Brandon, not the kitchen brandon, gave me a ride home we ate pancakes at mac 24 and those were huuuuge pancakes. I had a lot of fun hanging out at the bar after work with byron, mike, greg the bartender, tiff, brandon (my customer) and some other guys, it was a good time. I wasn't talking to john or the kitchen boy brandon, it was so aggrivating. fucking dog piss- dammit. he makes me so mad.

Rynell called me later too, she left her walet at hooters so i ran downstairs and grabbed it. she said to give it to john because they were cruising together tomorrow. (today) oh thats lovely. one week after he comes back and hooks up with me. fucking lovely. i handed him the wallet and walked away and hes like wahts this i told him its rynells, she wants me to give it to you cuz youre gonna see her tomorrow. i glared at him. he laughs like haha oh you know about that? :) but he doesnt say that he just laughs a smug laugh and i turn my back. he walked away and i went over while he wasnt around anyone, i said waht youre doing is rude, and i dont like it. an went back to my seat. get the fucking picture. asshole.

honestly. i dont like men so much any more after this last couple of years. but I am excited to go home, I called my mom when I got home last night, at like 5 in the morning, we talked for a while, we are both excited for me to go home :). They moved someone into grams house and changed things all around, but we're still gonna scatter her ashes. dad moved into my room, so mom and him dont have to see eachother so much while hes home, so i'll prolly just sleep in moms room while i"m home. tracy's room is now a storage room, so things are pretty different around there now. I will be okay with this I think, it will be hard. I cried when I read the email, but I am coming to terms. anyways, not much of a hang over today lucky me, so i'm gonna hop in the shower and freshen up a lil bit