Stopped between a sigh and a scream

Tonight was the annual Hooters bikini contest. woohoo. Tia actually asked me to be in it and I was flattered, but I don't have the body, which people argue, but i also don't have the confidence and the heart to lose. It would ruin my ego to lose. Especially when Rynell was in it and came in second. I think she is so ugly and that John chose her over me, and then she goes and gets second in the bikini contest is just another fucking slap in the face. One right after the other. Grrr! I"m not gonna fight it, I was disrespected and there is no way to get that back. There is no way to get that friendship back, and theres no way its gonna ever be the same again. I have to face it and find a way to live with it. I shouldn't hate Rynell but its gettig worse and worse every day. She never did anything but it rubs me raw that everyone loves her, and she is so cute, and she has such a cute body, and that John has her claimed as his. It is like being replaced. I was that really cute sweet girl that hit on all the kitchen boys and got what ever I wanted. Its like getting fucking replaced and I'm so stupid and immature about it but it fucking hurts!! I guess it happens no matter where you work, the same thing happend at cheeseburger in paradise. I used to be top cat in that cathouse, but shit fell apart. I don't know, but the most reassuring thing is that things will change eventually. If I do stick it out, he will leave, or she will leave, or I will leave, and new people will come, and new things will happen. I have faith in that because especially at hooters we have a high turnover all the time on the floor and in the kitchen. Its cool. I'm cool no I'm over it. I just don't like to see it in my face. I don't like to see him all over her at work. Tht still is a little sore. And I want to punch him. ugh! sigh.

Looking up, tomorrow is my day off. I'm hanging out with Sarah, and then hanging out with Brandon. I think I am seeing him waaay too often and he is getting the wrong impression. And then if he tries something he will be like what do you mean no? Why have I been doing so much for you and you won't even - rah rah rah. Cuz maybe he isn't doing all this because he is my friend. And he comes in to see me at work and gets jealous when I don't sit with him as much as I sit with Michael or something, its like, I know its gonna get past the friend thing quick, and I don't want him to assume we are gonna be more than friends because we hang out all the time. I don't knwo if I should say something to him, or just like start talking about my guy problems so he knows he isn't a potential in my mind, but subtally, or IDNO WHAT THE FUCK. Anyways we're going out to eat then going to the human exhibit, oooo, and I'm going to see stop loss with sarah earlier in the day. If I wake up soon enough I might hit Kat's on the way to town cuz her an dI have been hanging out more too. Its good cuz now that Kristie left I'm a girl down, one man short, and I don't see much of Briana anymore cuz she lives so far away and she doesn't know how to drive a stick. :( So hopefully a day off will cheer me up!! I made good cash today, over 200 cuz it was packed all freakin night!! yay!