Family - far from the familiar

I left HI, and an amazing new guy I think I will possibly dedicate a good chunk of this upcoming year to, to go to Maine. It seemed like an obligatory return, I haven't been since xmas and I sort of stupidly figured that they would miss me or something... but I also had to scatter Gram's ashes and might as well throw an eye apt in there as well. So it seemed like an important visit, like I should really go home by now. I was excited too. I talked to mom sometimes and dad on the phone too and epople seemed excited that I was coming home. I planned on seeing kristin steve and a couple people fromhome, maybe pete an old friend, or joey- but nothing really panned out. I did get to spend a lot of quality time with kristin, my friend from elementary school.

On my arrival mom and dad picked me up from that airport. As loving and charming as they are together, it was akward that they both were there to get me. We went to the Evans' grandparents house since we were in the area and dad wants us to be close to his parents like we were with mom's parents while his are in their gradual descent from this life. Grandpa was in the hospital with a recently discovered complete kidney failur, and Gram the always loving and caring wife would have gotten MAD/ JEALOUS had she known we had snuck out to see him for an hour or so. He was actually in very high spirits, I think the time in the hospital away from my Gram E has done him good. We took him for a walk, he was doing very well and planned on returning home on monday (which didn't happen) and the nurses taking care of him were very good looking,so he at least was in a good place and state of mind.

After the short and a little strange visit with him and Gram E we drove home, dropped off the luggage and went out to eat. We went to a steak house I had never been to and had fun sometimes, joked around and jsut acted like a nice family for a couple hours. I realize how awful it would have been now to have been an only child... even though living with tracy could be trying at times, at least I wasn't stuck wtih my disfunctional family all by myself! Not much to do at home, I hung out with mom and such.

I went to bangor on sunday with Kristin to shop at the mall for vicky's secret and bath and body works things because hawaii has none of that stuff. the mall closed at 6 and we got there at 530 so we ran around and i got a strapless bra last minute before vickys closed, then we took goofy pics to entertain ourselves. It was a lot of fun talking to kristin about our lives and what we had missed in eachothers. Very insightful and its good that we are still friends even though all that we've been through in and out of eachothers lives. So that was cool.

The next night krissy came over too and we watched movies with her sister nikki and talked and had fun. It was a good trip, seeing mom and dad and kristin and aunt karen, when I look back on it it realy wasn't so bad. Its just that when I'm there I can't stand being there. I can't stand how dad treats mom and how he just acts over all. I don't like it and it drives me crazy keeping my mouth shut. It always bothered me more than it did tracy that they fought and that mom just clammed up and haha smile ok i'm ok we're just alll right! then her actions and deep deep depression shows that obviously this little show that nothing dad does effects her- really does. she has just thrown her hands up and declared this lifestyle as normal! Accepted that the next 20 years of her life will be miserable and just decided to go through the motions every day and be completey sad and discontent with her life. It is heart breaking and frustrating, and annoying! THAT IS WHY I HATE COMING HOME sorry its not that i dont wanna see you mum but this life affects me too. Dad was completely selfish in his ways and would not do anything to change his schedule or routine around to correspond with my schedule, the 4 fucking days i would be there, he couldnt couldn't- wouldnt! change the channel or the volume of a very disgusting murder show he was watching while I was at the table trying to eat, even though i asked him to change it! he said well don't watch it or don't listen. He has my room turned into his room, and the living room and kitchen are at his disposal at all times, it wasnt like there was any where for me to go! it was impossible and i just kept pretending that it was all okay and that i wasn't dissapointed in how my family was acting. This is not someplace I would ever take eric. andits got nothing to do with him. its my family and my own humiliation of them. sometimes I wonder if i'm making it up, how they are and if myabe i shold just give them a chance. then i realize that no, i'm not making it up or exaggerating the flaws. its bad and it really is embaressing.

so i finally shipped out to costa rica, after spending another lovely day with my aunt and mom and karen's camp. she was being really bitchy too, mom excused her because its the heat that gets to her, she's let herselff go and gained a lot of weight, so she has the right to treat everyone like shit who is just trying to be freindly on their 4 fucking day vacation home. JUST PRETEND TO LIKE ME ITS ONLY 4 FUCKING DAYS. she came around later and agreed to go kayaking with me, we had fun.

Mom could see that I was upset by how this trip was going, and came down to the boat I was in to talk to me.

"I don't know how tracy can stay here. I can't believe how hard it is for me to be here for just 4 days"
I know how fyou feel she said
"How can you live like this? how can you just give up and accept life like this for the next 20 years?"
thats how it is- she said

NO IT ISNT no it really isnt/
people move. people demand change. people get out of bad situations. it is possible.
come to hawaii. leave dad. if just for a little while, you dont need him to rely on any more. he holds nothign over you now, and gram is gone, you can get out. nothing is holding you in maine anymore and you don't have to just accept a miserable life here. you don't have to and i can tell you now, this is going to be my last trip to maine, i can't stand this. if you want to seeme you can come to hawaii. in fact you can move to hawaii. it is possible to move iwth nothing and start over. it is possible and people do it all the time.
"I've never thought about that"
"it's definitely food for thought"

it was hope that was different in mom after that moment. she is still overbaring at times, but if she comes to HI its mylife and i live it the way i want to live it andshe will know that if she does move out there is so she is starting over. i will help her take care of things and we will work something out. i want to help her but i am also scared what this is going to do to my family, to tracy, to our current fundings, to well... everything i know in maine. everything. i don tknow if i'm ready to take care of mom- but i know she needs options and she needs to get out of a bad situation. so that is the drama in maine right now. tracy doesnt know about it, actually no one really does except mom me and my friend sarah who I told. I sort of told eric a little bit, but he has never even seen his family argue, he would never understand this kind of situation.

then i shipped out to costa rica with a 9 freakin hour lay over in laguardia airport, buti survived that and arrived and met up with kristie, so i'm here, at the motel now and the adventures here are amazing and wonderful and exciting and lovely and for another brighter cheerier post.