SOS

I was going so strong, I was doing so well and I thought wow I am okay, I am going to be okay. I haven't talked to eric for 2 whole days, and I'm in class and I'm talking to people and its okay. But I'm not really okay, I'm stressed and my chest feels tight and my heart is racing, my whole body feels sad. I can't work because I can't get enough shifts, and no one is giving up shifts right now because everyone is in a crunch to pay rent, and I'm so far behind after working at the shack all last month and losing money and being stressed about balancing job schedules- now I'm 300 behind on rent which was due today, 80 for a phone bill due on the 5th, 80 for utilities due today with rent which isn't here, and I have HAVE to have 1000 in my bank account by the 16 because UH takes it out automatically for tuition, which doesn't look possible in 2 weeks, working 2 days a week at hooters. I am all alone, I don't know who to go to to talk about it because I feel like I just want to be so strong, and I had so much hope for eric that I feel so foolish its over. I can't talk to anyone about that really, and I don't know what to do for money being this far behin and not being able to get more shifts. I'm seriously freaking out at this point in the middle of class and I'm not listening to anything the teacher is saying I'm totally zoned out and having a complete anxiety attack. This really sucked. After class I called mom. I had written to her earlier today to tell her money was a little tight but everything was okay, and i got the insurance card. but it wasn't okay and I was on my own and sinking and there was nothing I could do about it. I was so upset but she was really understanding and caring. She told me how proud of me she is and asking for help isn't failing, and she would put money in the bank for this month and if I want I can pay it back. That was a huge weight off my shoulders. huge. She put a lot in too. Just incase I can't make tuition, she put in 1500, but I only need a couple hundred right now for rent. I might have to dip into it when tuition bill comes around because it seems so unlikely that i'll make it own my own with work troubles being what they are the economy is dead and we're feelin it.

As for eric, well I don't really know. Its tought, but it'll even out eventually somehow. I'll be okay no matter what happens and I can do it on my own, I have been up to now, and so far it doesn't seem like having him around has gotten me very far ahead now does it?

I have a lab report due tomorrow, a rewrite of the one last week,
gotta call the liquor comission to get times and dates for liquor card testing
send in the KCC application so I can go there next semester- taking microbiology and lab there for my one class and lab. It will save me a lot of money.

i guess eric is on the way to come get his stuff. gotta go xoxo

Cannot concentrate

So close to rent and util and phone bill and I'm home, trying to study or do something at all productive after a failed attempt to pick up a shift at hooters tonight. I need the money for rent, and I need something to take my mind off my useless boyfriend. He snapped at me last night and never apologized for it, and i'm supposed to just let it go and be fine with his sarcastic apology, but I'm not. It still hurt my feelings and all I really needed was a sincere real apology and this would be over right now. He blames me for dragging it out when he is the one dragging it out by not just giving a sincere heartfelt I'm sorry. He had to go and make a big deal out of it, and tells me "I did say I'm sorry, you just didn't accept it." This is so not fair, its not my fault and I still feel bad even though I didn't do anything wrong. Its not right at all for him to treat me like this, I didn't do anything wrong and for him to make me suffer and wait up so he will go to bed so I can relax and go to bed as well is wrong. I shouldn't have to wait up and be upset and anxious and feel bad, he should be the one feeling bad but he isn't, and then he turns it against me. Its not right, and I don't want to be with someone who does this everytime he does something wrong. Its going to happen, because no one is perfect, so this is obviously going to be an ongoing problem if he cannot apologize and admit when he is wrong. We've had a serious fight over this before and we talked. I said something had to change or this was not going to work. He told me it would and we had to give it another chance to even tell if things could change. Well here is fight number one, the tell all- and guess what!? nothing has changed, mr I'm always right and you can't lecture me about anything because i never do anything wrong is at it again. Now I'm concentrating on how much I'm annoyed with him and I can't get through any of my studying, and I can't go out and do anything because I feel like shit. I just don't want to have to deal with this. He is so great in so many ways but this is a huge problem we are going to keep having and I have to decide if it's really worth my time.

Sleep is more fun

It came to me in my sleep. I'm going to write a book about a porn star who is a man who wants more facial recognition and fame so he decides to start a reality show about himself finding love but he doesn't have any need for love and actually is incapable of truely loving someone besides himself. its a base but its a strong one. I'll start on it right away. Its going to be chuck palhinuk meets erotica. thoughts?

I'm back to doing what I do

Like my thoughts, my actions are all over the place and always unnecessary. I do what I do and its not sociably acceptable and people don't get it. I swear in front of children, cry infront of men, push those who are bigger than me and run from those I know won't hurt me. I'm irrational and random, I say things I don't mean and take things I don't need. Right now I'm unmotivated and I lie and make excuses for myself and blame others even though there is no one else around. I don't need to do this and I don't have to find insults and insecurities in every little thing but I still do anyways. Work is both on the brink of disaster and the best it's ever been, I only have one class to take but I still feel like I'm falling behind.

If I could go through life with out caring or trying or wanting and needing I wouldn't feel the anxiety I feel like I just showed up for a test I spent months studying for to realize I studied all the wrong material. I keep waiting for something to pop up and tell me I've been doing the right thing all this time and really I'm not getting any of that.

The weight gain has me in the dumps and my failur at a new job has my mind boggled and I have bad dreams about work and getting behind and letting people down and messing up all the time. I have no money and no motivation to go make money, but I'm going in to work tonight. I just have to do it. And go in tomorrow and do it again.

Monday I have a review session to go to for my lab exam on Tuesday. I'm only scheduled for friday next week but I will try and pick up Thursday and next Saturday and Sunday too.

All this laziness and stress... I just finished my first exam in anat and pysiology, I am anxious to get my test score and scared at the same time. My second payment for tuition installments went through yesterday for 1000 but rent is still due in a couple weeks and my phone bill just arrived in the mail yesterday. I haven't had money to pay for essentials for about a month. After I gain residency though, after this semester and next semester, then would be a good time to look for places for me and Eric/

His job is in the dumps right now too, he got demoted from finance to sales and the sales are so low he isn't makeing any money. Luckily he was offered the job at the shipyard but it isn't a pay increase at all and he'll maybe have to pick up another job untl he is sent to virginia for 5 months for training before he can be promoted to the initial well paying position he was hoping for. I feel terrible he is stressed about work and money, and also stressed about leaving for 5 months when ever the training session is set to begin. I don't know what we'll do then, we've talkd about both going to virginia but that would ruin my residency tuition plan. There's no way i would tell him not to go though, because he is finally doing something with his major and getting out of the used car industry, and thats something he's wanted to do for a while. It all keeps coming though, every day it seems like, something goes wrong with the car or babymama wants more money or pfleuger is screwing someone else over or we get a parking ticket or something, and I'm really impressed at how well he holds himself together. he's really stable and secure and strong so I feel like even though things are a little rough right now, we'll be fine soon enough.

Tonight I picked up a shift for ananda which I should go get ready for.
Things to do soon

-Get new insurance cards from Maine
-have full checkups (dental, eye exam, physical,)
-order new contacts
-pay phone bill
-start saving for rent!

'As far as I can tell' my feet hurt from the sight of 'as far as I can see'

This isn't going quite as I had hoped. I thought this was what I wanted most, that wanting something was enough to make it good, its so hard to find something good to want. I am so irritated, and just when I thought I knew I could be certain about something- I can't be and maybe I like the security of not knowing how long this friend will last, the inevitability of losing everything gives me faith. A sad security knowing I will always have a way out. I could scream for so long but it is useless because I yell and yell and the smaller I become. I can scream until I'm out of air, but I can also stand the silence in my heart, the lack of a rush, short changed horizons, and I can walk for ever with out finding water to quench this thirst. So I scream at the sands that dissipate in the wind and I scream at the wind but no one hears those words in this whirlwind, so this is where I throw my hands in the air and walk until I find a new oasis, or the mirage in the distance, its all the same to me.