'As far as I can tell' my feet hurt from the sight of 'as far as I can see'

This isn't going quite as I had hoped. I thought this was what I wanted most, that wanting something was enough to make it good, its so hard to find something good to want. I am so irritated, and just when I thought I knew I could be certain about something- I can't be and maybe I like the security of not knowing how long this friend will last, the inevitability of losing everything gives me faith. A sad security knowing I will always have a way out. I could scream for so long but it is useless because I yell and yell and the smaller I become. I can scream until I'm out of air, but I can also stand the silence in my heart, the lack of a rush, short changed horizons, and I can walk for ever with out finding water to quench this thirst. So I scream at the sands that dissipate in the wind and I scream at the wind but no one hears those words in this whirlwind, so this is where I throw my hands in the air and walk until I find a new oasis, or the mirage in the distance, its all the same to me.