so many thoughts so little action

When I think about all the things I haven't done, most of them are socially. When I have a day off I can't think of one person besides eric who will return my calls and want to hang out. I am busy with my new job, and i'm leaving hooters officially now that I put my 2 weeks in on saturday but can't make it to work on friday I assume they'll just can me then. I'm so over it, and i am trying to be positive about my time spent there but really, I'v been there for over a year, actually 15 months, and girls who have been there 3 months get treated with more respect than I do. I just don't fit in and I never will and never did. I made nice with some of the girls but never any lasting friendships n that is hard on me because I feel bad whe people don't like me, and a lot of girls there didn't for no reason at all. the girls I did make friends with soon became better friends with girls who had pull and realized being my friend wouldn't get them anywhere, so slowly and surely they abandoned that ship. That really hurts. A lot more than not being liked is not being worth liked or disliked. when I ask a question and people just look at me and know I asked but don't bother saying anything. It shouldn't be like that, and as muchn as I try to over look the fact that I spent 15 months of my life giving up a social life for a work life, I didn't make it any further than I would have if I had taken up a normal job, except I might have gotte a little more respect from a normal job. I probably won't keep in contact wth a single girl I met at hooters. That is like my highschool all over again. I try really hard to fit in and in the end i walk away with out a single positive thing and plenty of negative reinforcements. More insecurities and less friendships. I'm ready to be out of there. That is sad and weighing on my mind a lot. As is my lack of true friends here. I've been here a long time, 2 years, and have... 3 friends here? sarah kristie and eric. I'm trying to make new frieds with the girls at 939 but its difficult and i feel inadequate and shy. I feel like if they got to know me they might like me but really i'm just a nerd and i don't have much to offer in a friendship as far as fun is concerned. I feel safer spending time with eric and I wonder where I would be now if I hadn't met him, now that my social life is virtually nill. I am planning to go to virginia with him in february. I will probably only go for like 3 months and give him a month in the beginning and a month at the end and make some extra cash for a place for us to stay while he is gone. Its a strssful decision I've gotten a lot of flack on from both sides and is stressing me out hard core besides totally throwing my original plans through a loop, it is something that is going to upset someone on the other side either way. people here are saying well its only 5 months you hsouldnt just up and move what if it doesnt work out rah rah rah, and he is saying that if i don't it will be really bad for the relationship rah rah rah, and both sides are right, and i just wish everyone would shut up about their opinions on what i should do and let me make my decision on my own, and accept it.

As for school, its going to be a set back but I know I will finish school and do what I want to do even if I don't take the most direct route. I know I can come back and get back into school and one semester off won't ruin my plans like people seem to think I am incapable of continuing my education unless I am constantly pushed through the process. thank you all yee of little faith. I think I've proven myself much more than adequately capeable to make it on my own the unconventional way. I'm doing well in this class and I know its a waste of 3 G when I could have just been taking a regular amount of classes for the same price but at least i paid for this semester and if it was a waste while I thought i would try to gain residency i wasted only my own money and time. now, i've wasted enough of my time venting and i'm going to go back to studying before eric gets outa work