I'm back to doing what I do

Like my thoughts, my actions are all over the place and always unnecessary. I do what I do and its not sociably acceptable and people don't get it. I swear in front of children, cry infront of men, push those who are bigger than me and run from those I know won't hurt me. I'm irrational and random, I say things I don't mean and take things I don't need. Right now I'm unmotivated and I lie and make excuses for myself and blame others even though there is no one else around. I don't need to do this and I don't have to find insults and insecurities in every little thing but I still do anyways. Work is both on the brink of disaster and the best it's ever been, I only have one class to take but I still feel like I'm falling behind.

If I could go through life with out caring or trying or wanting and needing I wouldn't feel the anxiety I feel like I just showed up for a test I spent months studying for to realize I studied all the wrong material. I keep waiting for something to pop up and tell me I've been doing the right thing all this time and really I'm not getting any of that.

The weight gain has me in the dumps and my failur at a new job has my mind boggled and I have bad dreams about work and getting behind and letting people down and messing up all the time. I have no money and no motivation to go make money, but I'm going in to work tonight. I just have to do it. And go in tomorrow and do it again.

Monday I have a review session to go to for my lab exam on Tuesday. I'm only scheduled for friday next week but I will try and pick up Thursday and next Saturday and Sunday too.

All this laziness and stress... I just finished my first exam in anat and pysiology, I am anxious to get my test score and scared at the same time. My second payment for tuition installments went through yesterday for 1000 but rent is still due in a couple weeks and my phone bill just arrived in the mail yesterday. I haven't had money to pay for essentials for about a month. After I gain residency though, after this semester and next semester, then would be a good time to look for places for me and Eric/

His job is in the dumps right now too, he got demoted from finance to sales and the sales are so low he isn't makeing any money. Luckily he was offered the job at the shipyard but it isn't a pay increase at all and he'll maybe have to pick up another job untl he is sent to virginia for 5 months for training before he can be promoted to the initial well paying position he was hoping for. I feel terrible he is stressed about work and money, and also stressed about leaving for 5 months when ever the training session is set to begin. I don't know what we'll do then, we've talkd about both going to virginia but that would ruin my residency tuition plan. There's no way i would tell him not to go though, because he is finally doing something with his major and getting out of the used car industry, and thats something he's wanted to do for a while. It all keeps coming though, every day it seems like, something goes wrong with the car or babymama wants more money or pfleuger is screwing someone else over or we get a parking ticket or something, and I'm really impressed at how well he holds himself together. he's really stable and secure and strong so I feel like even though things are a little rough right now, we'll be fine soon enough.

Tonight I picked up a shift for ananda which I should go get ready for.
Things to do soon

-Get new insurance cards from Maine
-have full checkups (dental, eye exam, physical,)
-order new contacts
-pay phone bill
-start saving for rent!